Forever
by Salix15
Summary: The 6th installment of my Faberry series. As the New Directions prepare for national's, Rachel takes on a little side project that has Quinn feeling left out in the cold. Will her insecurities get the best of her and end up ripping the couple apart, or will she be able to work out her issues?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: and here's the next installment of my Faberry series, yay! Remember to review, tip your waitress, and there's a little bit in this chapter that's for all of the people who have reviewed in the past telling me how tired they are of the Santana talk. I'll try to have the next chapter up as soon as possible, but the weather in my area has been a little bipolar late, which means awful headaches that leave me exhausted and wanting nothing more than to lie down and die. Enjoy!**

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Quinn Fabray let out a big sigh, and willed her eyes to stay open as she sat through another boring physics class. One of the many things she kept close to her chest was her love of learning, but her teacher's voice was so monotone as it churned out of his throat that the sound of it lulled her brain into a trance, and before she knew it, she was nodding off. When her phone vibrated in her pocket she wanted to sing with joy for the distraction, but restrained herself. She slowly pulled the Blackberry from her jeans, and hid it in her purse while Mr. Price tried but failed to make physics fun.

A small smile pulled at her lips when she saw it was a text from Rachel. She glanced around, checking to make sure no one else was trying to sneak a peek at what could be on the screen. Rachel had recently mastered the art of sexy texting, and the last thing Quinn needed was one of the over-sexed jocks using her girlfriend's words for masturbation material. "You'll never guess what just happened!"

"You stole a hall pass from Ms. Pillsbury's office and you're going to rescue me from this soulless drone?" she wrote back, praying that the answer would be yes. Getting caught rounding second base by Rachel's father was one of the best and worst things that had never happened to the blonde. On the one hand it encouraged her to come out to her mother, and the older woman was slowly getting used to the idea of having a gay daughter. On the other, shittier hand, she was no longer allowed at Rachel's house unsupervised, which meant their budding sex life was ground to a halt.

"Nope," was the response. Quinn glanced up to make sure her teacher hadn't noticed anything. The last thing she needed was the public humiliation of having to stand up in front of the whole class and read her texts out loud before having her phone taken away for the rest of the week.

"You packed our bags and we're going to run off and join the circus to be lion tamers who calm the beasts by singing show tunes?" she sent with a small smirk on her face. She picked up her number two pencil and scribbled out some notes to keep up the appearance that she was paying attention.

"You know I'm allergic to cats, Quinn. Guess again." She had to bite her bottom lip to stop herself from laughing. She took a second to calm down for fear of breaking down and drawing unwanted attention. After a moment she typed out her response.

"You stood up in the middle of class and declared your undying love of tofu?" It only took a moment for Rachel's response to light up the screen.

"Hahaha, nope!"

"Ok, just tell me. I'm out of funny things to say."

"*gasp* say it isn't so, Quinn." Before Quinn could respond, she got another text. "I was in the library studying for my English exam and a girl came up to me. She wants to join glee club next year but she asked if I would give her private lessons first." Quinn got a funny feeling in the pit of her stomach, but did her best to ignore it. She didn't have much time to think about it before she got another text. "Can you believe it? Someone at this school actually wants me to teach them!" Quinn smiled as she imaged the excited look on Rachel's face.

"That's great, baby. So, who is this adoring fan of yours?" After she finished typing that out, she read it three times to make sure it didn't sound mean, bitchy, or jealous. Once she decided that it didn't invoke any of those things, she hit send and waited for Rachel's response.

"Cindy Sanders. She sang White Knuckles right there in the library. She isn't too bad, a little pitchy, but I'm sure with practice that will go away." Quinn didn't recognize that name, but she didn't find it odd. McKinley High may be small, but there were plenty of people she went out of her way to avoid; freshman, the chess club, synchronized swimmers, and the 4H kids for example.

"In the library. What a rebel."

"Haha. We did get kicked out. Mrs. Spink just doesn't understand or appreciate the music of this century."

"Why, Rachel Berry, you naughty thing ;)"

"Quinn, don't say things like that to me while we're in school! I won't be able to focus." A large smirk broke out on the blonde's face. She could just imagine what Rachel looked like right now: face and chest flushed, her soft pink tongue slowly licking her lips as she pupils dilate and she tries to hide the fact that she's shifting back and forth in her seat because of the moisture gathering between her legs. All of that got the former cheerleader's heart rate going. She took a few moments to think about how she wanted to this play. She could listen to Rachel and change the subject, but what fun would that be?

"So I shouldn't tell you that I'm thinking about running my hands over those gorgeous legs of yours?" she sent, and bit her bottom lip as she looked back at the white board and tried to at least pretend to pay attention. She felt sneaky, and really bad for saying things like this in the middle of a crowded room. She found it completely amazing that Rachel can make her feel so exhilarated without even being in the same room. She forced herself to remain calm when her phone vibrated again.

"Umm, no?" was the reply, and it caused a wicked grin to spread over her lips. She looked up at the board again, a far off look in her eyes as she took a moment to think of a response. It had to be racy, but not too sexual. She didn't want to freak Rachel out or accidentally start a fight by being too "inappropriate" for a public setting. Her thumb quickly moved over the tiny buttons when the idea finally came to her.

"Ok. So, I definitely shouldn't tell you how badly I want to kiss them, and nibble on that little spot that always makes you moan and curl your toes?" She felt her face and neck heat up with a blush as her heart started pounding in her chest. Just because she wasn't allowed in Rachel's house unsupervised didn't mean the two hadn't found some time to be together, and they were becoming more acquainted with each other's bodies to a certain point.

"Quinn, please. I can't stop blushing and people are starting to stare," was the response, and it made Quinn's lips curl into an evil smirk. It wasn't a big surprise to either of them that Quinn loved control, and she especially loved hearing Rachel beg, even if it was via text. Her smile grew a little bigger, her eyes sparkled with mischief as she typed out her reply.

"Did I make you wet, baby?" she sent, and looked up at the board again, thankful that the teacher had yet to catch on. Sometimes she couldn't believe how different she was now. No longer the completely repressed girl afraid of her sexuality, but now she embraced it, and experimented with it, even if that was tame by other people's standards. She thought it was funny that if Finn or any guy she dated had sent her a text like that he would have been slapped, but Rachel just brought this out in her, and every day she was growing more comfortable in her own skin.

"…yes. You are so mean to me sometimes, Quinn Fabray." She had to bite the insides of her cheeks to stop from laughing. She could just imagine the huffy look on Rachel's face as the brunette typed that out. Quinn shifted in her seat and crossed her legs. Her plan to tease the other girl had somewhat backfired and now she was sitting in a room with thirty other people growing wetter by the second with no outlet.

"Meet me at my car when lunch starts and I'll make it up to you. I promise ;)" she sent, and bit her bottom lip. It had been the brunette's suggested for Quinn to get a cover for her new car to protect the paint from the elements to keep it in prime condition, and it was also the brunette who suggested spending lunch inside said car while it was covered so they could have some privacy safe from prying eyes.

"It's tempting, but I can't." Quinn's eyebrows furrowed, and she let out a little sigh of irritation. _Well, that totally came back to bite me in the ass_, she thought and crossed her legs, praying that the people around her wouldn't smell her arousal but knew they probably already could. "I told Cindy I would give her a vocal lesson at lunch." Quinn's jaw clenched and she took a breath to calm herself. _Why are you getting so weird? It's just a vocal lesson_, she thought, and rolled her eyes a little.

"Blowing me off for another girl? She better give us an edge next year, or I might get jealous (j/k)."

"Aw, baby, don't get jealous. You know I'm your girl." A dreamy smile pulled at Quinn's lips and her whole body relaxed. Before she could think of a response, Rachel sent another message. "Besides if Santana can't tempt me than nothing can." Quinn glared at the phone so hard her vision blurred around the edges.

"You know I don't like it when you talk about Santana like that," she sent back, and took another deep breath, trying as hard as she could to calm her body down. She was at a disadvantage, her arousal was doing nothing now but fueling her anger, but she was determined to stay calm and not start a fight.

"And I hate it when you eat meat, and yet…." Quinn rolled her eyes, and tried to let the jealous feeling go. The Santana joke had been fun at first, but now it was getting old, and the former cheerleader had to really concentrate on controlling these feelings of jealousy and agitation. Mostly because a little nagging voice in the back of her mind kept whispering that if Rachel did want to hook up with the head cheerio, Santana wouldn't hesitate.

"Haha, Rach," she sent, choosing to simply ignore the comment, knowing how easily it would cause a fight to break out between them. "So we won't get to see each other until glee club? What am I going to do until then?" Maybe playing the guilt card was a little low, but considering her mood she really didn't care.

The bell rang and everyone immediately started getting up and headed for the door while the teacher yelled out the homework assignment. Quinn pushed her way passed the slow moving crowd and headed straight for her locker to put her books away, and she waited there, leaning against the cold metal phone in hand. When it finally vibrated with a response from her girlfriend, Quinn's curiosity was peaked as to why it had taken the brunette so long to reply.

"IDK, that history paper you never finished last night?" Despite the biting response, a small smile pulled at Quinn's lips as her mind wondered off. Memories of the previous night started floating through her brain, and it caused a blush to paint her cheeks a light pink. Rachel was definitely getting better at sexting, and it was the most distracting thing on the planet. She had three more days to finish the five paged paper, so catching up wouldn't be a problem.

"*sigh* fine, leave me to fend for myself. Maybe Santana and Brittany will take pity on me now that my girlfriend has found someone better to spend her time with." She knew she was baiting Rachel, trying to make her feel guilty or even a little irritated. However, if it was one thing Quinn Fabray hated more than being behind in that season's fashion trend it was feeling like she was being ignored or passed over.

"Have fun, baby! See you in glee club!" Clearly Rachel knew what she was up to and was having none of it. She let out a little huff and immediately felt like a spoiled rotten child for doing so. It was just one lunch. She would see Rachel later in class, and after school, plus since it was only Tuesday she would have lunch with her the rest of the week. _Unless that hoe-bag wants another private lesson. What kind of name is Cindy Sanders anyway? That sounds like a stripper name_, she thought with a roll of her eyes.

Feeling unwanted, Quinn scrolled through her contact list and hit call when she finally found the name she was looking for. She had gotten used to feeling left out and overlooked during the Baby Gate scandal, especially after Rachel spilled the beans to Finn that he wasn't the baby's father, but she never thought her girlfriend would be the cause of this awful feeling. Letting out a small sigh, she listened as the line rang and rang, but right before she was about to give up, her call was answered.

"This had better be good, Blondie," Santana barked into the phone, and Quinn's whole body tensed up. Dealing with a cranky Santana on a good day was not unlike getting a root canal while someone crashed too symbols together right next to her ear. So dealing with a cranky Santana while she was already feeling put out was going to be a challenge. _Well, that can't be good_, she thought, and took a deep breath, trying as hard as she could to squash the agitation building up in her chest.

"Well, hello to you too, Santana. Who taught you how to answer the phone, the devil in Prada?" she spat back, keeping the bite in her voice to a minimum in order to stop a fight from breaking out. Luckily her friend laughed instead of coming up with her own mean response, and it felt like a huge weight was lifted from Quinn's shoulders. She relaxed, and leaned against her locker, letting the cool metal calm her tense muscles.

"Ha-ha, Quinn, very funny," she said, her tone had lost most of the harshness it had when she answered. Quinn's smiled a very satisfied smirk when she heard what sounded like a slap, a yelp, and Santana muttering under her breath in Spanish. "Sorry, so what's up?" If everyone could see how whipped Santana was she would lose that badass reputation in a heartbeat. The insane thing was she and Brittany were only friends at the moment. _Pussy whipped without the pussy, that'll be a fun card to play_, she thought with a giggle.

"Nothing is up," she said, plastering a fake smile on her face. Over the years she had been taught that people can actually hear the sound of a smile through the phone, and even though Quinn was doing her best to shed away that training, some things still stuck. "I just thought maybe you might want to hang out at lunch; you, Brittany and me, just like old times before everything got crazy and super complicated." Pre-Baby Gate the three of them were thick as thieves, but now Quinn only spoke when she needed relationship advice or if Santana was freaking out about Brittany, and the former cheerleader never spoke to the other blonde anymore.

"What, is your girl too busy protecting a bridge from some goats to hang out with you?" the other girl responded with almost immediately. Quinn let out a small sigh, and let her head fall back against the locker. Santana always had a way of seeing through her bullshit, and now wasn't any different. Quinn was sure she would either grow up to be an FBI agent or some kind of con artist, either way the bitchy cheerleader would be involved in totally ruining someone's life whether it was in the pursuit of justice or the inability to hold down a real job.

"No, she doesn't have anything against goats," she said, and they both chuckled. She felt a tiny bit guilty for not defending her girlfriend against the troll comment, but she still felt a little burned and decided to let it slide. "She's actually giving a singing lesson to someone." She tried her best to keep the distain out of her voice, but she wasn't sure how successful she was, if she was at all. "I guess she wants to join glee club next year but wants to strengthen her voice first." That little revelation was met with silence, and a very nervous tension started coiling up in her belly because a silent Santana was either a scheming or contemplative Santana, and neither was a very good thing.

"And the bitch can't just hire someone for that?" she asked, and immediately there was another slap, followed by another yelp, Brittany saying something about feminism, and Quinn didn't even try to cover up her laughter at her friend's expense. "Yeah, yeah, yuck it up; alls I'm saying is, if someone is willingly spending time with Berry, the girl who looks like she should be institutionalized and sounds like someone dropped a spoon in a garbage disposal –"

"Fuck off, Santana, that's my girlfriend," Quinn practically spat the words into the phone.

"Exactly my point. You tolerate all of Yentl's craziness because you're touching second base, and maybe one day she'll let you slide into her promise land, but there is no way anyone would willingly subject themselves to that psychological torture without hoping to sample some of her Berry-juice." This time instead of a slap, Quinn could hear laughter in the background. Anger boiled and bubbled just under the surface, and she was sure that if she were a cartoon than smoke would be pouring out of her ears.

"God, Santana, what is wrong with you? Are you really a robot that's programmed to think that the only thing anyone wants from someone else is sex?" she asked, trying hard to keep her voice down since some other students were walking by. She really didn't need to be this week's gossip now that her outing was finally starting to die down. "Rachel may be a little…high maintenance, but she's been taking singing lessons since she was like, four, and she's willing to give this girl lessons for free." _When did I become Cindy Sanders' advocate?_

"If this girl wanted lessons so bad how come she didn't ask Kurt? He's been singing just as long, he's trained classically just like your lawn gnome, and there's a one hundred percent chance he's not going to hit on her. But no, this chick tracked down your fresh out of the closet girlfriend, and asked to spend time alone with her."

Quinn didn't want to believe it. She wanted to believe that this Cindy Sanders was genuinely interested in the vocal training, and she sought out Rachel for her talent and vast knowledge on the subject. However, Santana planted a tiny seed of doubt, tossed on some fertilizer, watered it, tended to it carefully, and now that little seed was a tall, strong oak tree weighing down on her mind and making her see red.

"I think you need to get laid. Clearly Brittany not putting out is starting to do damage to your brain. Let's just hope it isn't permanent," she said, trying to sound bitchy and mean, but it didn't come out that way at all. It sounded weak, pathetic, and just like the voice she always got whenever Santana was starting to get to her. She could just imagine the smug look on her stupid smarmy face.

"Look, I know you think I'm just giving you shit for the hell of it 'cause verbally mowing people down is a really great mental workout, but I'm not. For whatever reason that little woodland creature makes you happy, and not that fake perfect-little-daddy's-girl, happy-on-the-outside-but-dying-on-the-inside kind of happiness either, I mean real happiness that everyone in this place can practically feel pouring off of you. And if this bitch is trying to get on your girl than I got your back." All Quinn could do was stand there and blind stupidly, mouth hanging open and her limbs felt a little numb. She took a moment to really think about how she wanted to respond to this…whatever this was, and cleared her throat.

"Wow, Santana, when it comes to letting someone know you care about them, you really freaking suck at it," she said, a huge grin breaking out on her face. All of the tension that had been building between them finally came to a head, and they started laughing so hard, Quinn was doubled over, holding herself up with a hand on her knee. She quickly tried to calm down because the last thing she needed were raccoon marks from smeared mascara.

"I'm working on it. Gotta get better at it eventually, right?" she asked, her words strained with her own laughter. Quinn wasn't sure if Santana expected a response or not, but if she did she didn't leave enough room for her to get a sentence started. "So, what are we going to do about this chick? I think a slushie tsunami from the Cheerios would send a pretty clear message, don't you think?"

Quinn let out a small sigh and looked up at the ceiling. If she was being honest, that's exactly what she wanted to do. It was the same thing she did when Rachel was going after Finn, and the more Santana talked the more insecure she became. She chewed on her bottom lip as she gave the question the consideration it deserved, but the more she thought about it, the larger the knot in her stomach became.

"No, we can't do anything like that," she said, breaking the silence, and she didn't sound too happy about her own words. Santana let out a small sigh, and muttered something in Spanish, but it was too quick for Quinn to understand. "Rachel will know you're targeting her because of me, and you know how she is when it comes to bullying. Besides, we still don't know if this girl is up to something or not so until proven otherwise she's just a random student who wants to join glee club but needs some training first."

"And if I'm right, and she tries to make a move on your Keebler Elf?" Santana asked, and she sounded a little agitated with her blonde friend. Back in the day before she became a total softy, Quinn ruled this school with an iron fist. She had always admired her predecessor, but lately she was so freaking whipped by that little water sprite it was almost nauseating. The blonde in question didn't need time to think about this answer. It was already there, way down in her bones.

"Make her look like Carrie at the prom."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: just finished this a few minutes ago, and it was only mildly proof read (that's a lie, there was no proof reading). Thanks to everyone who's reviewed, subscribed, and favorited this fic; it really is a great motivator. And 50+ awesome points for anyone who knows the movie reference made in this chapter without looking up the name! I have another chapter ready to go, but I think I'll wait. I feel like being a little mean, haha. Remember, reviews are food for the muse!**

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By the following Wednesday Quinn's determination to be a supportive girlfriend was starting to wane. Rachel was still giving singing lessons to Cindy Sanders, and like the type A personality that she is, the schedule for them was pretty intense. Almost every free moment that the singer and her apprentice had was filled with lessons, not only on strengthening Cindy's voice, but also on music theory, and a history of Broadway. Quinn even saw an outline for a quiz that Rachel was planning on giving the other girl.

That had been five days ago. It was the last time she and Rachel had been in a room alone together. They had been at Rachel's house, her dads upstairs doing whatever it was they did while the girls were in their basement turned entertainment room. They had been studying for a test in their AP math class, and Quinn kept softly running the tips of her fingers along Rachel's calf, and giving her a very intense look every time the brown eyed beauty looked up from her work. Apparently Rachel was the only teenager in all of America to not get the memo that 'studying for a test' was code for 'making out until the parental figures interrupted'.

Quinn dug through her locker looking for the packet of Twix she kept hidden in the back. She tried to keep it a secret, but chocolate was her way of coping with emotional stress, as cliché as it was, but when she was on the Cheerios that wasn't an option or she would have been strung up by Sue. Now that she was a civilian she could give in, as long as it remained under control. She shuddered to think what would happen if she started putting on weight. Either a pregnancy rumor would be spread around, or someone might come up with a mean nickname just like middle school.

She took a bite and closed her eyes, letting the feeling of the cookie dissolving in her mouth, mixing in with the caramel and chocolate wash over her. She could practically feel the endorphins start to rush through her veins as she slowly chewed. One bite is all she would allow herself at a time. _Ok, maybe just one more_, she thought and pulled the wrapper down a little lower. _It's not like I'm going to get this feeling anywhere else today_. But before the candy reached her lips, a shadow fell over her that made her stop and glance over.

"Do you need to get a room with that thing? You look like you just had the 'big o' right here in the hall," Santana said as she leaned up against the locker next to Quinn's. The blonde rolled her eyes and practically tossed the package back in her locker before slamming the door. She was in no mood to deal with this, might as well let Santana know that now.

"Did you need something?" she asked, trying to keep the bitchiness in her tone as low as possible. The last thing she needed was Santana asking too many questions and finding out why she was so mad. She had been trying as hard as she could to keep her feelings about Rachel's new friendship under wraps, but that was difficult when someone with an almost sociopathic level of intuition was your best friend.

"Not really. Brittany's busy and can't hang, and since your girl is off doing whatever it is forest elves do this time of day, I thought we could hang," she said with a small shrug. Quinn saw the little flash of emotion that passed over her dark eyes, however, and wasn't fooled for a second. Whatever Brittany was doing Santana didn't like one bite, but the blonde new better than to press the issue in the middle of a crowded hallway. That would be like poking a rabid bear with a stick wrapped in barbed wire.

"It's Wednesday," she said and started walking down the hall, Santana immediately fell into step next to her. "She gives a singing lesson at lunch on Wednesdays." She could feel the other girl's eyes on her while they walked but she continued to stare ahead. She had a pretty good guess what Santana's face would look like at that information, and she really didn't have it in her to deal with it right now.

"Really, Quinn? And you're just ok with her hanging out with some other chick at lunch when you two should be spending it together?" she asked, her tone dripping with an emotion Quinn didn't want to name. She knew if she looked over the tone would match the facial expression. It was the exact same tone of voice Santana got whenever they talked about Rachel trying to steal Finn away from her, and all of the things they could do to try and scare the other girl off.

"This isn't the Ye Olden Days, and Rachel isn't my property. She's giving a singing lesson to a girl that might be able to help us win National's next year. It's for the greater good, or whatever," she said, but her voice was dull, and she looked down at the floor as she spoke. She heard Santana scoff, and couldn't help but glace at her through the corner of her eye. She didn't look amused at all.

"You are such a Goddamn hypocrite, did you know that?" she said, but her voice didn't have the usual bite when she insulted someone like that. Her words made Quinn stop in her tracks, a cold shiver ran down her body, and her shoulders squared like she was unconsciously preparing for a fight. Santana didn't look too worried about it, which only pissed the blonde off more.

"Why the hell do you think that?" she spat, and crossed her arms over her chest. She was definitely going into fight mode, and the sad thing was she wasn't really aware of it. Her mind and body slipped into this so easily, embraced the anger and fire that spread through her veins like a second skin, and she let it take her over. Santana, for her part, handled it well. She suppressed her natural instinct to challenge, and stayed relatively calm as a lightning storm crackled behind Quinn's eyes.

"Please, Quinn, you're in all AP classes so I know you're not that thick. Just think about it for five freaking seconds," she said, but before Quinn could think about it or even respond she kept going. "You and Berry spent a whole week helping me cope with my emotions and learn to deal with the pain and bullshit so I could express it in a healthy way, and here you are bottling everything up just like you did _before_ you were liberated by Berry, and whatever it is you guys were doing for months. Details would be appreciated."

Quinn let a big sigh, and felt her shoulders relax. She would never say it out loud, not in a million years, but Santana was right. Keeping everything inside was starting to weigh on her mind, and she felt like she was slowly going insane. How was Rachel supposed to know something was wrong between them and help her fix the problem if Quinn didn't tell her how she felt about the situation? The brunette may not have been her property, but she was her girlfriend, which meant they were supposed to make each other a top priority, and the blonde couldn't help but feel unwanted.

"I just don't know what to do about it," she said, the anger leaving her tone, but the frustration was still there. The two continued walking down the hall with no particular destination in mind, and Quinn shook her head a little. She couldn't believe this was happening to her. Finn used to follow her around like a puppy, and maybe that had spoiled her and distorted her expectations. "I mean, they're just friends, and I'm not going to be one of those controlling creeps who doesn't let their partner have any friends, that's just messed up."

"There's a difference between going all wife beating bastard on her, and letting her know you're feeling left out in the cold," Santana said, and nudged Quinn's shoulder with her own, a mischievous glint in her eye. "She can have all the friends she wants as long as she's keeping 'little Q' satisfied, right?" Quinn rolled her eyes, and a blush took over her face. Santana always loved to tease her about her sexuality, and how easily embarrassed the former cheerleader became at even the mention of the female libido.

One of the most uncomfortable feelings Quinn had ever gotten was when they were thirteen and Santana was telling her all about this new discovery she had made about a previously unknown body part that lived between her legs. The entire thing made Quinn feel like she was about to dissolve in a puddle of shame, but when Santana started showing her the hand movements she said felt the best the blonde blushed so hard her whole upper body felt like it was going to explode, and she snapped at the other girl to stop talking because it wasn't lady-like. Since then it was a button that Santana loved to push.

"It isn't like that," Quinn whispers, her blush increasing tenfold. Since she started dating Rachel she had loosened up a bit, and was slowly letting go of her conservative ways, but it was a very slow process, and change always felt uncomfortable. "We haven't really gotten that far. But it isn't the physical stuff that I really miss about spending time with her. She just gets me, and I miss just sitting together, holding each other while we talk about stuff." She didn't dare look over at her friend because she could practically feel the teasing smirk she knew was on her face.

"Awww, Quinn, that's so sweet," she said, her tone light and almost sickly sweet. Quinn braced herself, and counted backwards from five, and when she got to zero she wasn't disappointed. "I think I may barf." And there it was. Santana couldn't just show her happiness; she always had to be sarcastic about it. At least it made things interesting, even if it did get a little tedious.

The cheerleader stopped walking, and Quinn looked over at her, completely confused. That is, until she realized where they had stopped. They were standing in front of the choir room where Mr. Schue had given Rachel express permission to give her vocal lessons if it meant gaining another member. The blonde tensed when she heard music coming from inside the room. She recognized it, and it made her skin crawl. Why on earth where they singing _Without You_? Quinn hadn't had any quality time with her girlfriend in almost a week, and she was singing some torch song with another girl? _Don't get jealous. Maybe she's just trying to find the range that best suits Cindy's voice_, she thought as her nails dug into her palms.

"Let's have a little look. I'm dying to know what total authority over another person looks like on Berry. That's gotta be some kind of head trip for her," Santana said, and slowly peeked into the little glass window on the door. Quinn couldn't deny, at least to herself, that she wasn't curious what Rachel was like when she was in teacher-mode. An image flashed through her mind of her girlfriend stressed in a tight pin-stripe skirt, and button down top, hair done up, and thin black rimmed glasses resting on her face, as she tapped a ruler against her palm. Quinn was in her Cheerios uniform, begging Ms. Berry to go easy on her as she was bent over a desk and….

"I can't fucking believe that bitch. Look at this," Santana's harsh tone interrupted her thoughts. The only time Quinn had ever heard that tone on Santana was when she was still claiming possession of Puck, and she practically challenged Quinn to a duel. The blonde didn't want to look, she really didn't. Whatever was on the other side of that door would probably be misinterpreted. It was totally innocent, just a lesson Rachel was teaching about how to look when singing a song about love, and loss, and longing. It had to look intimate. It had to, or else the audience just wouldn't buy it.

Quinn walked over to the door, Santana moving out of the way immediately, and hazel eyes peered in cautiously, as if she were afraid something was going to jump out at her like in a haunted house. It was even worse than that, and she regretted giving into the curiosity. Things didn't work out for Pandora, why couldn't she just learn from that tale and move on? But as she stood there, watching Cindy staring at Rachel with the biggest moon eyes she had ever seen, slowly running her hand up and down Rachel's forearm with the tips of her fingers while they sang the last stanza Quinn's blood began to boil.

When the song ended, they both stood there, panting and staring into each other's eyes. Quinn kept a close eye on Rachel, looking for any signs of 'crazy, obsessed, teenage crush' like she had gotten when she sang a love song with Mr. Schue. But she didn't see that. All she saw was the satisfied look of a song well sung, and Rachel took a step back. The blonde couldn't help but notice the way Cindy's expression dropped a little when Rachel moved away from her. The brunette went over to her backpack, bending over to pull out more sheet music, and Quinn wanted blood when she saw Cindy Sanders' ugly blue eyes staring hungrily at _her girlfriend's_ ass.

"After school we should jump that twat. Wait for her in the parking lot and go all Lima Heights Adjacent on her scrawny ass," Santana whispered in her ear. A shiver ran down Quinn's spin at the sensation of warm breath softly grazing her skin, but instead of turning her on, it fueled her anger. She glanced over at her friend, and she was surprised to see a look of anger, and hatred in her eyes. _I never thought Santana cared so much_, she thought, and glanced back into the room. Rachel was preparing another song while Cindy sat in one of the chairs waiting patiently like a good little puppy.

"I think you might be my shoulder devil, and right now I can't really think of a reason not to listen to you," Quinn said, eyebrows rising when a new song started playing. It wasn't show tunes, it wasn't even a good song by her standards, but her girlfriend and her girlfriend's crush both seemed to get into it right away. _Seriously, who actually listens to Simple Plan anymore?_ she thought and shook her head. "But we can't do that. Rachel will find out, and I know she'll break up with me." She forced herself not to react when she heard Santana scoff because she had a pretty good guess what the other girls was thinking: Quinn Fabray was thoroughly whipped, and Rachel didn't even need to put out. _Santana's one to talk_, she thought, trying to make herself feel better.

"So, how are you going to deal with this? And before you start in on how tight of a leash your girl has you on, I'm not talking about that skank. I'm talking about the fact that that girl is dying for a taste of Rachel's berry, and she doesn't even freaking see it," Santana said, and Quinn didn't say anything, but she wouldn't admit that Santana was right. She couldn't, it was practically a physical impossibility. She slowly shook her head, trying to come up with something, but before her mind could speculate, formulate, and finally settle on a plan, the bell indicating lunch was over rang.

"I'll talk to her about it," she said, rolling her shoulders in an attempt to ease the tension. The two backed away from the door, but Quinn made no move to head towards her next class, which was on the second floor, and far away from this room. "Even if she doesn't believe me, maybe it will plant a seed or something, and she'll start noticing things until it becomes so obvious she can't deny it anymore." It was a half ass plan that required something she never had before in any of her previous suitors: trust. Trust that Rachel wouldn't stray, and trust that Rachel wouldn't let her need to be right get in the way of what was literally staring her in the face.

"You must have a lot of faith in Berry, Quinn. I don't know if I feel proud that you're finally opening up or scared that you're risking so much," she said, and Quinn gave her a small smile. Her relationship with Santana had always been weird, and right now the other girl sounded more like a proud but cautious mom worried about her daughter's heart being broken. By the end of the day she was sure Santana would go back to making inappropriate comments, and making fun of the way she dressed.

"I'll see you in class," she said, and walked away from the door when she noticed out of the corner of her eye that Rachel was packing up her things and getting ready to leave the room. "I need to use the bathroom." If Santana believed that very unconvincing lie she didn't let on. She just walked off with a small wave, and Quinn allowed herself to get lost in the crowd as she waited about twenty feet away from the choir room, watching, waiting for her girlfriend to come out.

When the door finally opened, what she saw wasn't what she expected. Rachel and Cindy were laughing about something. It was a hard belly laugh that left them both breathless, with tears swelling in their eyes, and their faces looked like they ached. _What the fuck was so funny?_ she thought with a frown. She had made Rachel laugh like that a handful of times, but not before spending a two months with the girl, locked away in her bedroom.

She had planned on walking Rachel to her class even though it was on the opposite side of the school of her geography class. She had planned on holding her hand, maybe wrapping her arm around the small of her back and pulling Rachel closer to her. The brunette would smile, rest her head on Quinn's shoulder, and they would talk about all of the things they wanted to do together after school. Well, the things that were appropriate to talk about in a crowded school hall. Then she would stop in front of Rachel's government class, give her a lingering kiss on the lips to remind her of what she's been missing, and when she walked away she would put an extra sway in her hips.

That didn't happen. What happened was Rachel walked off towards the bathroom, waving goodbye to Cindy, and telling her how much improvement she's made in such a short amount of time. Cindy thanked her for the compliment, a small blush coloring her cheeks, and she walked off in Quinn's direction. The blonde stood there against that locker just waiting. Anyone who saw her made sure to keep her distance because of that look she had in her eye.

They thought it had been eradicated since she had been happy these last couple of months. They thought the HBIC was dead and gone, and a softer, lighter Quinn had taken her place. This, however, was much worse than anything they had seen when Quinn was head cheerio, and thus head bitch at that school. This was a tiger stalking prey, standing stalk still in order to go unnoticed, and waiting for the perfect moment. That moment came when Cindy passed Quinn, and the blonde made her move when the other girl was about four feet away.

"Have a good singing lesson?" she asked as she fell into step with the slightly taller girl. She was thin, had pretty, long dishwater blonde hair, and bright blue eyes. A smattering of freckles lay across the bridge of her noise that was a little big but not in an unattractive way. Her clothes were simple; muted colors, and simple patterns, and Quinn was sure underneath was the body of a swimmer. When she looked over at Quinn it was with a look of surprise, confusion, and once she noticed the expression in those deadly hazel eyes, fear.

"Hey, Quinn," she said with a forced smile which quickly faded when the short blonde remained sardonic. "Um, yeah, it was really good." Her voice now had a shaky quality to it that made Quinn's blood sing with joy. She was getting to her and she didn't even need to try. "Rachel played me a few songs I'd never heard before, and she says that my voice is really improving. She says by my junior year I might be New Direction's secret weapon." Of course Rachel would say that Cindy would be the one to win the competition the year after she herself graduated. That thought made Quinn smile.

"That's really good, Cindy," she said, her words sweet, but her voice had an edge to it that made the other girl feel uneasy. "I saw your little performance of _Without You_. It was…interesting. Rachel has always had a soft spot for Rent. She says that now that she's discovered her latent lesbianism, and embraced it completely she'll be a shoe-in for Maureen. I keep trying to tell her that it shouldn't be a factor, but she gets selective hearing when she sets her mind to something." Cindy laughed, but didn't say anything, and Quinn thought she detected a little uneasiness at the term 'lesbianism'.

"But you know the most interesting part about you girls' little number?" she asked, and something about her tone made Cindy remain silent. She gripped her books to her chest, Quinn thought as a way to try and feel more secure, and shook her head 'no'. "It was the way you kept staring at my girlfriend." She said it with a big smile, and a little laugh, like the possibility of it happening in the first place was amusing in its ridiculousness. Quinn watched her closely, a tiger doesn't take its eyes off its prey while hunting, and she immediately saw the fleeting look of panic flash across the other girl's face.

"And when she got that other sheet music out of her backpack, I could have sworn you were trying to look up her skirt," she said, again with a big smile and a little laugh. The freshman girl looked like she was either going to run for it or wet herself, and Quinn's inner beast was purring. "But that's just ridiculous, right?" When Cindy didn't respond Quinn stopped walking. By now everyone else had already made their way into class, which meant the two had the hallway to themselves to talk.

"Unless…." Quinn said, narrowing her eyes slightly, and turning her head a little to look at the girl from a sideways angle, as if she were some artifact Quinn was trying to puzzle out. "You don't have a crush on my girlfriend, do you, Cindy?" Blue eyes went so wide Quinn thought they would pop out of their sockets and roll down the hallway. She would have been perfectly fine with that, it would mean no more attempted peeks at Rachel's unmentionables. "If you do have a crush on Rachel, that would put both of us in a really awkward position."

"I don't, Quinn, I swear!" she said, her voice cracking, and thin layer of sweat popped up on her forehead. Quinn dropped the sweet act, her smile disappeared, and her gaze hardened. She took three steps towards Cindy, and the other girl wisely took five steps back. Quinn's hands were on her hips, her jaw was set, and her head was tilted down slightly, so she was looking up at the other girl with a hateful expression in her eyes. Cindy knew the look someone got on their face right before they killed, she watched Dexter after all, and she had never been truly afraid for her life until that moment.

"Good," she snapped, and stepped towards the girl, leaning in until their noses almost touched. "Because if you try anything, Cindy, if you put your hands on Rachel and I find out about it, you and I are going to have a confrontation, and believe me when I say you don't want that to happen." She stared hard into scared azure eyes, the other girl trembling as she pressed herself against the lockers hard as if she were trying to melt into them. Quinn let out a sharp breath through her nose, and silently cursed herself for losing control like this. "And if you tell Rachel about this, I'll have the Cheerios rain cherry slushy on you from now until the end of school, you got me?" The girl could only nod her head, so quickly Quinn thought her neck might snap.

"I'm glad we understand each other," she said, false enthusiasm, and bright smile back on her face. She stood up straight, and ran a hand through her hair, acting as if she hadn't just unleashed her inner David McCall. "Sorry for making you late to class. It was nice talking to you." Her voice could not have sounded sweeter. She was the epitome of friendliness, and perkiness, and she pulled it off without a second thought. With those words she spun on her heel and walked off towards the stairs. She couldn't help but feel like a dog who had just peed on a tree to mark its territory, but she felt confident that the fear she planted in Cindy would keep her singing lessons strictly student-teacher; minus the pornography theme.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: The song mentioned in this chapter is called The Fadeaway by Garfunkel and Oates. Do yourselves a favor and youtube that shit if you don't know about them already.**

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By the weekend, Quinn was a little on edge. Between her schoolwork, family obligations, and practicing for National's she barely had time to eat and sleep. Add in the fact that Rachel was giving a singing lesson three days a week, which meant the two only saw each other in class and at rehearsal, and the blonde was worried she would develop TMJ from grinding her teeth so often. She needed quality time with her girlfriend, it always helped relax her, and forget about all of the stress in her life, but now her relationship or lack thereof, was causing a strain on her mind, and she felt as if she were suffocating.

However, one of the few things Quinn was absolutely sure about was the fact that she never sits idly by when something isn't going her way. She always gets what she wants, and she wasn't going to let that change now. Sure, Rachel had softened her up a bit, there was no denying that. Over the last few months the brunette smoothed down her rough edges, and thawed out the ice queen image she had developed after all of the teasing and tormenting in middle school.

But she was still Quinn Fabray, and however out of character she had been acting since she and Rachel started officially dating, it didn't change the fact that she was the top bitch at that school, and when she set her mind to it she could come up with a scheme that would put even Santana to shame. As she laid in bed on that perfect Saturday morning, staring up at her ceiling, and wondering where everything started going wrong, that's exactly what she was doing.

Her knee jerk reaction would be to go after this Cindy Sanders with everything she had. The name calling, slushie facials, constant put-downs, and downright psychological torture she had put Rachel through when the self proclaimed diva had set her sights on Finn hadn't worked at all. Even getting knocked up and lying about the father wasn't enough to get Rachel to back off. But not every girl was as determined as Rachel Berry, and the odds are, going on the defense would scare off Cindy and as a result, every other closet case who saw what she saw in Rachel.

No, being defensive wouldn't work the way she wanted it to. That little relapse she experienced last week had given her a momentary power high, and made her feel a little more secure that Cindy wouldn't go directly after Rachel. However, if she was being completely honest with herself, she really didn't want to be that angry, insecure, self loathing, girl who projected her issues onto other people. When she was a Cheerio it was all about asserting her power over the weak in order to stay on top, but once the news of her pregnancy spread and she was kicked off the squad, it all became so pointless.

She would have to come up with another tactic. She would have to make it impossible for Rachel to leave her, or worse, cheat on her with anyone. The girl had a very strong sense of loyalty, and the blonde could use that to her advantage. Maybe if she worked on her emotional connection with the other girl, worked harder to set aside her fear and showed her vulnerabilities and talked about her past more than Rachel would see just how much she meant to Quinn. Maybe if she was more physical with the other girl, letting Rachel explore her body instead of pushing boundaries and making Rachel feel, albeit unintentionally, weak and overexposed, then the future Broadway star wouldn't feel the need to stray.

Quinn rolled her eyes and shook her head, letting out a snort of disgust. _Now I sound like a prostitute. How freaking awesome_, she thought and rolled over in bed. She glanced at her alarm clock, the light blue numbers reading 10:15 AM. Rachel's dads always went to the farmer's market on the weekend to get the organic produce that couldn't be found in Lima's only supermarket. They usually spent three hours at the market, put the fruits and vegetables in a cooler so they could go to lunch without the food wilting, and were home around three in the afternoon.

Quinn had been banned from being alone with Rachel while the Berry-men were out of the house, but desperate times called for desperate measures, and all that jazz. It's not like grounding Rachel or banning Quinn from their home completely would make that much of a difference since the two barely saw each other anymore. She grabbed her cell phone off the nightstand and opened up a new text message, and her thumbs moved with lightning speed. "Good morning, baby, what are you up to?" she sent, and waited a little impatiently.

Maybe Rachel wouldn't text back. Maybe she would make up some bullshit excuse about being busy when she wasn't. Maybe now that she knew she had other options she saw things differently. Cindy Sanders was pretty, the two got along well, made each other laugh a lot, and she didn't bully Rachel relentlessly their entire freshman and some of their sophomore year. Maybe Rachel would start to withdraw from Quinn slowly until she eventually faded into the background and their relationship just disappeared. That kind of stuff happened; there was even a song about it!

Her phone vibrating, indicating she had a new text, pulled her out of her internal pity party. She opened the message with a little hesitancy, subconsciously holding her breath while her eyes soaked in the words on the tiny screen. She slowly exhaled the breath she didn't even realize she had trapped in her lungs as she read Rachel's response.

"I'm in my room singing along with Barbra. Dad and Daddy are at the market. They've become very predictable in their old age." Quinn tried to hold back the laugh that bubbled up in her throat but it ended up coming out as an ugly sounding snort. _Rachel better pray they never see that_, she thought and read on. "And what is my sweetie-baby up to?" A small blush blossomed on her cheeks, and she couldn't help but bite her bottom lip. She still wasn't used to being called pet names, and she hoped the other girl would always be able to make her feel this way.

"I'm still in bed," she sent, and relaxed into her mattress, squirming back and forth a little to get really comfortable. She pulled the covers above her head; cocooning herself in the warmth she found there. It only took but a second to get a reply, and this time there was no delay when she hit the button to open the message box.

"Really? Is my girl up to no good this morning? ;)" the words and winky emoticon seemed to taunt Quinn. She bit her bottom lip again, but this time it wasn't caused by a fluttering feeling in her chest and belly, but rather from a horrible case of indecision. She wanted to continue this, to send back a sexy text and start something that would leave her feeling really, really relaxed for the rest of the day, but looking at the bigger picture it just didn't seem right.

She let out a little sigh as she made up her mind and began to type. She needed to see Rachel in person, there was no doubt about it. She was starved for her girlfriend's attention. She was already starting to forget what her soft, full lips felt like pressed up against hers as they panted, exchanging breath as they took a little break from the kisses they shared.

"Lol, no. I'm just being lazy. Thinking about not getting out of bed at all today. Maybe watch a movie marathon on Netflix or something." As soon as the message was sent, she threw the covers off her body and jumped out of bed. She ran to her closet, throwing the door open so hard that it slammed against the wall, and she started digging through her clothes, looking for the perfect outfit.

Rachel was in her room singing show tunes, and it had been confirmed that her dads would be out of the house for hours. She was almost frantic as she pulled a pretty light blue sun dress off the hanger along with the white cardigan she always matched with it. She needed to get to Rachel's as quickly as she could, even if it meant breaking the speed limit. She didn't want to waste a moment of this opportunity that was practically being handed to her.

_I probably look like a lunatic right now_, she thought as she practically ripped her sleepwear off and pulled open her top dresser drawer, searching for a bra and pair of undies that matched. _Ok, what says 'I want to look and feel sexy' but doesn't also say 'my girlfriend hasn't kissed me properly in over a week and I'm desperate for some touch'?_ After a minute or two of careful contemplation, she decided on the lacy lavender set that Santana had helped her pick out a few weeks ago on a shopping spree. It went perfect with her skin tone, the cut helped show off her curves – Santana's words, not hers – but it wasn't as obvious as black or red would have been.

As she put on her clothes her phone vibrated, and a very uncomfortable sinking feeling settled in her belly as she read Rachel's response. "Riiiight, a 'movie marathon'. Is that what you call it?" A blush spread over Quinn's chest, neck, cheeks and the tips of her ears felt like they were going to burst. For a few seconds she struggled to breathe. She and Rachel may have become a lot more comfortable exchanging sexy texts – writing to each other what they would like to do to each other's bodies – but they had never openly talked about what they did to themselves while sexting, or even just on their own when the urge hit.

_I'm not that repressed girl anymore; I'm not that repressed girl anymore; I'm not that repressed girl anymore; I'm not, I'm not I'm not!_ she thought as she pulled on her ankle boots and zipped them up. Her conservative upbringing reared its ugly head, and a war raged on inside her mind. _It's not polite to talk about this stuff. It's wrong and gross and I shouldn't even do it. Ok, I need to calm down. It's normal, it's natural, and if God didn't want me to do it He would have put my clit on that spot between my shoulder blades that I can't reach_.

"Lol, someone's brain woke up in the gutter," she sent, and took a deep calming breath. _If I'm going to start opening up to her I might as well start with something super personal and embarrassing_, she thought and typed out another message. "Besides, I'm not really a 'morning person' unless I have a naughty dream right before I wake up."

She sat down at her vanity as soon as she hit the send button and began brushing her hair, trying to decide how she was going to style it, and which hues of makeup she was going to use. This was just a distraction, though, to stop herself from freaking out about the text she had sent. It wasn't lady-like, it was borderline obscene, it would be proof in her mother's eyes that the path she was taking was the wrong one, but if Rachel responded in a good way than it would all be worth it.

She was very careful to make her appearance perfect. She used a little extra eyeliner, and just a touch more mascara than normal to really make the color pop, and the earthy tones of the eye shadow made her irises look brown instead of their normal greenish hazel. When she was finished, she took a moment to stare at her reflection, her eyes scanning her skin for any flaws. The makeup was, in fact, perfect, and she looked ready. Ready for something she wasn't entirely sure she was actually ready for.

_Great, now I'm making it sound like I'm on my way over to Rachel's to have sex with her_, she thought with an eye roll, but something deep inside of her went cold. She leaned back against the chair, unable to hold herself up anymore, and she looked at her face in the mirror with wide eyes. _Is this what I'm doing? Picking out Rachel's favorite dress, wearing the lingerie I picked out special, doing my makeup a little sexier than normal? Am I really going to – what, offer myself up to Rachel so she won't leave me?_

She chewed on her bottom lip, smudging the gloss without second thought while she really thought about those questions. She had done something similar with Finn when she tried to get him away from Rachel, a negotiation in the school hallway that was nowhere near romantic or even sweet. It was desperate, full of anger and resentment towards both Finn and Rachel while she said he could touch her breasts – under the shirt but over the bra.

But Quinn and Rachel were firmly planted on second base. They were getting bolder in their explorations of each other's bodies; that was a fact that could not be denied. Quinn knew about that sweet little spot on Rachel's thigh right above her knee where her skirts normally stopped that if she kissed and nipped _just right_ then the diva would arch her back, and curl her toes, making the sexiest little breathy moans, and grip Quinn's hair so hard she feared it would be ripped out of her skull

Any touch up the skirt, however, wasn't allowed because the brunette wasn't ready. Quinn wasn't completely ready to take that step either. Not only would it bond them together in a way that she wasn't sure she could handle just yet, she also had no idea what to do with…that particular body part. Just thinking about it now, coming face to face with _it_, or running her fingers through silky heat with the expectation that she would rock Rachel's world made her feel anxious and claustrophobic.

Yes, she had the same anatomy as Rachel, and she had become very adept at pleasuring herself, but that didn't mean the little songbird would like the same things. She knew first hand that everyone was different when it came to pleasure. When she made out with Finn, and pulled his bottom lip between her teeth and gave it a little tug he would explode, literally. Puck, however, had hated it when she did that. He said his lips were too sensitive and it felt like she was going to rip it open.

She studied her face again, this time checking to see if she looked any different. Weren't girls who were sexually active different than girls who were not? Didn't girls who gave in to these desires have a certain expression in their eyes that could be seen by everyone, and it was best to avoid them in case they influence you to behave the same? If that was true, which she was now sure it wasn't, then she didn't see it in herself, and she didn't feel like a bad person for considering going _all the way_ with the other girl.

"You love her," she said, her voice a shaky whisper as she sat up straight, and tried to tap into her confident side. "You love her." Her voice was stronger this time, her tone sounded more certain of this fact, and she took a deep breath to calm herself. "You love her, and she loves you. If it's time to happen then it'll happen, but if all you do is go over there and hold her, and remind her how much you love her then it'll still be the best way to spend a Saturday." She subconsciously nodded her head, and stood from the vanity.

She grabbed her purse on her way out the bedroom door and hurried downstairs. Luckily her mother was busy doing something for her book club, or the PTA, or the Lima newly divorced middle aged women who need an excuse to get out of the house on the weekend association, so she didn't have to worry about making up a blatant lie about where she was going to be and when she was going to be back.

Before she ran out the door she grabbed the bouquet of flowers her mother had in a vase in the dining room. They were some kind of lily, and although Quinn would rather have had roses since she did have an agenda and roses went perfect with it, she wasn't going to be too picky about it. Flowers were flowers and she knew Rachel wasn't really going to care what kind they were as long as they were pretty, and these were beautiful. She would have to remember to come up with a clever lie about why the center piece was suddenly missing.

The drive to Rachel's went by in a blur. Quinn kept flexing her fingers around the steering wheel in an attempt to give her anxious mind something to focus on. Her palms were sweating, her breath was slightly labored, and her forehead had an ugly shine from the oil building up. _Great, I'm such a freak. Could I make it more obvious that I'm going over to her place to try and get in her pants, or just let her into mine? Wouldn't that really show her that I love her completely, though, letting her have free reign over my body with no expectation of her doing the same?_

_No! No, no, no, no, stop it! I'm not going to have sex. I'm going to ring the doorbell, give her the flowers, hug her and just hold her for a few minutes because I haven't been able to do that in forever, give her a kiss on the lips, look into her beautiful eyes, and tell her that I love her. She'll probably want to have me listen to the songs that she's been working on today, or make brunch together, or something._

_But what if she does want to have sex? What if she sees right through me, can just tell that I'm ready to go further, and she's ok with it? Oh, God, I don't know what to do! Dammit, ok, stop screaming, that hurts. Just remember what Santana said: the tip normally gets too sensitive when a girl is really turned on, and if she's ready for more than just a hand job, then full body skin to skin contact is always best for a first time. What was it she said specifically? Something about getting the angle just right so it'll feel unbelievable when I ride her until my back breaks. But how do I get the angle right?_

She was ripped out of her thoughts when a large, brown and white dog wandered out into the road in front of her car. She slammed on her breaks, her heart beating wildly in her chest as the dog cowered down, seeming to anticipate the hit. But that didn't happen. Her car stopped about three inches in front of the dog, and before she could even think to get out of the car to see if it was ok, it ran out of the road and disappeared into someone's backyard.

"Jesus Christ," she whispered, and let her head fall back against the seat. She took a moment to let the car idle. She tried as hard as she could to get her breathing under control, and as a result her pounding heart calmed as well. Her entire body was now covered in a thin sheen of sweat, and her upper lip curled in disgust. At lease she had a really good excuse for looking kind of gross. Rachel was, after all, a huge advocate for animals, and when Quinn told her what happened she would probably be more focused on the fact that the dog wasn't properly fenced in or kept indoors to notice Quinn's sweaty state.

She took a look around at the neighborhood to see exactly where she was, and she was surprised to see she was only three houses down from Rachel's place. Her breath hitched and her heart started pounding again. This was it, either go big or go home. She looked down at the flowers sitting in the passenger seat, checked the time – 11:45 AM – and looked at herself in the rearview mirror. She pulled a wipe from her purse to dab off the glistening sheen on her forehead, touched up her eye shadow a little, and let out a huge breath.

After she was done, and had completely made up her mind that surprising Rachel was the best course of action, she slowly eased her foot off the brake and pulled in front of Rachel's house. The only car in the driveway was Rachel's pre-owned black Nissan Altima that her dads got her a month ago. She tried to remember the speech the brunette had given her about the difference between a car being used and pre-owned, but she couldn't remember the details. The only bit that stuck out was Rachel saying, "And with a pre-owned car, the likelihood that a dead hooker was ever stuffed in the trunk to be transported to an empty field and buried is much lower than a used car."

"Ok, Fabray," she said as she stared at the door, bouquet of flowers in one hand and her purse in the other. "If I can survive cheerleading camp when Sylvester put those raccoons in the cabins at three in the morning to test our alertness, than I can survive being alone with my girlfriend for a couple of hours, even though there's a possibility of taking things further; physically and emotionally." Little pep-talk out of the way, she got out of the car, and straightened out her clothes, and smoothed down her hair out of habit as she made her way down the walkway, and up the steps to the porch.

"I can do this, I can do this," she said, and rang the doorbell. She held the flowers behind her back, wanting to have an extra surprise for her tiny significant other, and she tried as hard as she could not to rock back and forth on her feet as she waiting for Rachel to answer. She smoothed her hair down again, checked her breath, and decided it was acceptable enough for this. Breath that was too fresh was suspicious, and she didn't want Rachel to think she was up to something, but she also didn't want to repulse her since she was praying there would be kissing.

Two minutes went by, and nothing happened. Her eyebrows furrowed, and she reached her hand out, and rang the doorbell again. She could hear the music playing from inside the house, and it was louder when she had been walking up towards the house which meant that Rachel's bedroom window was open, and she had been too distracted to notice. She considered maybe tossing a few pebbles up there to try and get her attention, but decided against it. She really wanted this to be a surprise, and doing that just wouldn't do it justice.

Letting out a small sigh, she stepped off the porch when it became undeniably obvious that Rachel couldn't hear the ringing of the bell. _Great, and now I have that stupid song stuck in my head_, she thought, as she walked around the side of the house. A small smile pulled at the corners of her lips as so many good memories flooded her mind. Memories of her coming over after school, and using the spare key to wait for Rachel to get back from an acting, singing, or ballet class.

Then the two going up to Rachel's room to explore their confusion together, or the time Quinn had Rachel pressed up against the kitchen counter, and her thigh had slipped between the brunette's legs on accident, and Rachel's nails had raked down her back and…_yeah, that was a good day_, she thought with a happy sigh. There was also the time Rachel let her dominate side come out, and she pinned Quinn against the couch, held her hands above her head, and wouldn't let the blonde touch her at all anywhere as the diva slowly nipped and sucked at her neck and collar bones. Quinn had gone home so frustrated she almost didn't make it to her room before giving herself a much needed release.

She opened the gate to the backyard, and made sure it closed all the way before she walked around to the back porch. She set her purse down, lifted up the potted plant, and unlocked the door with the spare key before heading inside. Rachel's stereo was blasting a song she didn't recognize except for Barbra's voice, and Quinn had no idea how none of the neighbors hadn't complained yet since the window was wide open, which was a direct violation of the noise complaint that stated her dads either soundproof the room or make Rachel stop singing.

As she climbed the stairs she thought her ears were going to start bleeding, but she tried not to focus on it. Instead, she tried to imagine the look on Rachel's face when she saw Quinn. First she would look a little confused because the blonde had specifically said she would be in bed all day watching movies. Quinn would smile, and look down at her shoes bashfully. Rachel loved it when Quinn looked down at her shoes bashfully, she had even said so. After a second she would look up at Rachel through her eyelashes and just wait.

Then the diva would get that Rachel Berry smile on her face, the one that made it look like her cheeks were about to split open, and she would run at Quinn, throwing her arms around the blonde's neck and the two would stand there for a few seconds and just breathe in each other's scent. After that she would finally notice the flowers, tell Quinn they were beautiful, and thank her for them, and set them on her dresser before the two embraced again, this time kissing each other until their lungs felt like they were going to implode if they didn't get any oxygen.

Quinn stopped in front of Rachel's bedroom. She couldn't help but roll her eyes and smile at the big gold star hanging on the white door. When they graduated high school and got an apartment together in New York they would have to get another gold star just like this one – Quinn was sure the Berry-men would kill before giving this one up – and hang it on their front door. The neighbors would probably look at them weird for doing so, but they wouldn't care because it would be _their _gold star in _their_ New York apartment.

She took in a deep breath and held it for a few seconds in an effort to calm her pounding heart. She was, after all, breaking the rules, which Quinn wasn't one to do. Yet here she was standing in front of Rachel's bedroom door when Leroy and Hiram were out of the house, which had been strictly forbidden. She wasn't supposed to be here alone with Rachel in, what she assumed, was an effort to protect their daughter's innocence. She was getting an adrenaline rush from this sneaking around, and she kind of liked the feeling, though she would never admit that out loud.

She gripped the doorknob lightly, trying not to smile at the tingling sensation that crawled all the way up her arm. The music was so loud that she could feel the metal vibrating. She really needed to talk to Rachel about controlling the volume. Sure, Barbra was great, but if she suffered hearing loss at this young of an age how would she be able to ensure her voice was probably in tune all the time, and especially before auditions and if she was by herself?

She slowly opened the door, and as soon as she did she could hear Rachel's voice mixed in with the mp3. Even though she was dying to see her girlfriend, she didn't want to open the door too quickly. Odds were that Rachel was singing in front of her mirror holding her hairbrush, which meant that she wouldn't see the door open. She stopped, however, when something strange happened.

In the middle of the high note that Rachel would normally be killing, the diva suddenly stopped, and now the only sound coming from the room was the recorded song. Quinn's eyebrows furrowed, and she opened the door halfway and stuck her head inside. Her blood went cold, her breath caught in her throat, and she felt as if the ground below her was about to open up and swallow her.

This had to be some fucked up dream. It couldn't be real; it just couldn't because her Rachel wouldn't do this. It couldn't be real because Rachel loved her, and she loved Rachel, and this was a physical impossibility. It broke every law of science, ethics, morals, and any other word Quinn could come up with that this scene would be in violation of. And yet here she was, just standing there like some kind of fool just watching.

She had been wrong before when she assumed Rachel would be alone. Rachel wasn't alone at all. She was standing in the middle of her bedroom, the stereo still blasting Barbra's greatest hits, and Cindy Sanders, evil, demon spawn, hoe-bag Cindy Sanders was standing in the room with her girlfriend. That wasn't the problem. That wasn't the impossibility. The two had become fast friends since Rachel had been teaching her to sing better, so Quinn wasn't completely surprised to see the girl.

She was, however, feeling extremely ill because that _thing_ had her hand on Rachel's cheek, her thumb gently caressing Rachel's soft skin – _her_ Rachel's soft skin, she might add – while her lips were pressing ever so gently and slowly against Rachel's. And Rachel wasn't pulling away. Rachel wasn't pushing her off. Rachel wasn't saying she was flattered that Cindy felt that way, but she had a girlfriend, and what she tried to do was wrong.

No, Rachel was just standing there, and Quinn couldn't see from this angle if Rachel was kissing back or not, but just the thought of it made her want to vomit right there on the floor. That would certainly be a surprise. That would definitely get Rachel's attention. She tried to imagine the excuses, how Rachel and Cindy – God, Quinn could barely think her name without passing out – would try to explain this away. She couldn't think of anything, though, she couldn't think because her insides were too busy dying.

Suddenly the song ended, and the room was cast into silence for approximately three seconds before the next song started to play. It was the slap to the face that Quinn needed to pull herself out of her state of shock. She very calmly closed the door, and took a step back from the room. She felt like she couldn't breathe, she felt like she was going to pass out. Little black spots were starting to form around the corners of her vision, and she feared she would fall down the stairs.

She made sure to run out the back door, forgetting to lock it or even put the key back as she ran as fast as she could out to her car. She became pissed at herself for choosing these shoes. Why couldn't she wear sensible flats that wouldn't potentially break her ankle if she tried to run really fucking fast in them? She had to keep going, outrun the heartbreak before it caught up with her and she literally dropped dead.

When she made it to her car she practically dove inside. She slammed the door and started the engine, but she didn't take off right away. Instead she sat there, trying as hard as she could to keep the tears at bay – _when did I start crying?_ She looked up at Rachel's window, still wide open with sound pouring out of it like an invisible smoke and she wondered what was going on in there. Had she come to her senses and pushed Cindy Sanders off of her? Had she wrapped her arms around Cindy Sanders' lower back and pulled her closer, completely giving into the kiss, and unconsciously begging for more?

Quinn floored it, the car screeching as it fought to gain traction on the pavement. Much like the drive to the diva's house, the drive back home was equally blurry, but this time it was from the tears that she couldn't stop from making the world a fuzzy haze before sliding down her cheeks, smearing the makeup she had worked so hard to make perfect. She had tried so hard, so _fucking_ hard to make this day amazing, she was going to give Rachel a part of herself that no one would ever be able to touch, and for what? God, she just wanted this burning feeling in her chest to go away.

She pulled into the driveway, barely slowing down, and she had to slam on her breaks to avoid crashing through the garage door. She shut the engine off and just sat there, sniffling and feeling like a pathetic mess. She wanted to scream. She wanted to freak out and punch the steering wheel. She wanted to go back to Rachel's house and scream at her for putting this awful feeling in her body. She wanted to punch Cindy Sanders in her evil, demon spawn, hoe-bag face.

Instead she looked around, and noticed her mother's car was still gone. She couldn't go back into that big empty house all by herself. She felt like if she were left alone, this pain – this all consuming darkness – would swallow her whole, and there would be nothing left but an empty shell. More than that, she was afraid if she was left alone with her mother's liquor cabinet she would drink herself into a coma. That wasn't an option. Or at least, one that she wasn't giving any serious thought.

She pulled her cell phone out of her purse, and wiped the tears out of her eyes so she could see what she was doing. She pulled up a new text message, and quickly typed over the little keyboard. "Where are you?" She waited, feeling like her heart and guts were being crushed as she replayed the image of Cindy Sanders and her stupid face all over Rachel's over and over and over again. Was she a better kisser? Were her lips softer? Did she make Rachel's toes curl with just a simple kiss? Quinn had a work a little harder for a full on toe-curl.

"The store," came the short reply, and she continued to wipe off her face. She was pretty sure she was mascara free at this point, but she needed to keep her hands busy. If she didn't keep her hands busy they would do really dumb things, like turn the key to start the engine, and drive her car through Rachel's living room. "Is something wrong?" That question almost made her break. A sob bubbled in the back of her throat, but she swallowed it down, and it burned like acid.

"Everything is wrong," she sent, thinking for a moment that it was too dramatic and maybe she should rewrite it, but before she could do anything else the little icon letting her know the message had been sent popped up, and she held back another sob.

"Are you ok?" More acid churned in her belly. It felt like something was alive inside of her, trying to burst its way through her body leaving her to bleed to death. Images from the movie _Alien_ flashed through her mind as she typed out her reply.

"Physically, yes, but I feel like I'm dying." She didn't even hesitate to question the melodramatic quality of that before hitting the send button.

"I'll be there in a minute." She let out a little sigh, and wiped the back of her hand along her nose, trying as hard as she could to ignore the disgusting feeling of mucus drying on her skin. She put her phone back in her purse, now just a useless piece of plastic since it had done its purpose. Mostly, she wanted to lock it away and try to ignore the fact that she had witnessed that horrible murder scene twenty minutes ago, and Rachel still hadn't tried to get a hold of her. So she put her head down on her steering wheel, and let the beast out.


	4. Chapter 4

Quinn walked out of her physics class, and the students in her way parted like the red sea. The atmosphere around her felt just like when she was still on top of McKinley's social ladder, but this time she wasn't enjoying it. She wanted to get lost in the crowd, not have them leave her on her own. But she wasn't going to make a big deal about it. People were already staring at her, and gossiping enough as it was, and she didn't want to add fuel to the fire.

It had been twelve days since that Saturday afternoon. Twelve days since she had walked in on one of the worst things imaginable. Twelve days since her heart had ripped in half. Twelve days since she had sent a desperate text to Santana, and the other girl found her sobbing uncontrollably in her car. It took a while to convince Quinn to unlock the door. The car was safe, and as soon as she stepped out of it she would have to face this completely.

Eventually Santana did get her to unlock the door, and her friend had done an amazing job taking care of her. She helped her out of the car, and practically carried her up the stairs to her bedroom. She ran a warm bath claiming that it would help calm her down, and even helped Quinn out of her clothes since the blonde was so exhausted from the crying and emotional pain to even lift her arms above her head. If she hadn't been so tired she would have been embarrassed, not only for letting her friend see her completely naked, but for being so weak and needy, but she just didn't have it in her to care.

After her bath, Quinn sat on her bed in her robe while Santana brushed her hair, singing softly to her in Spanish. Quinn found that action very comforting, and almost dozed off a couple of times, but Santana would gently pull a small chunk of hair to wake her wake. Eventually the blonde broke down and confessed everything to the cheerleader. She had made her promise not to say anything to Rachel, and not to do anything to Cindy Sanders, at least not yet.

But that was twelve days ago. Now it was Thursday and Quinn was pissed. She had been so sure, so freaking sure that Cindy had come onto Rachel. So sure that Cindy had made the move that lead to the kiss she was unfortunate enough to witness. She had felt it in her bones that Rachel would tell her about it. That first night she had obsessively checked her phone until Santana finally took it away so she could try and get some sleep. The problem with that belief was it had been twelve days, and Rachel was acting as if everything were normal, and Quinn saved face, holding out hope that her girlfriend would come clean.

As she put her books away in her locker, her whole body tensed up, her jaw clenching, when she heard Rachel's voice drifting from down the hall. She looked over and saw her walking down the hall, Cindy freaking Sanders by her side, and the two looked thick as thieves. Quinn didn't mean to stare, she didn't mean to look at them as if she were about to light them on fire, but she was, and when Rachel's gaze caught her own the diva's smile instantly vanished from her face, and Quinn looked away as quickly as she could.

_Ok, so maybe thinking things are normal is a bit of a stretch_, she thought and busied herself with rearranging the items in her locker. She could practically feel Rachel's eyes on her as the brunette made her way over towards her girlfriend. Quinn closed her eyes for a moment, hiding behind her opened locker door, and willed herself away. Maybe if she wanted it bad enough she would disappear or teleport, or do that cool _swoosh_ thing like in Harry Potter and end up somewhere else. God decided to let her prayers go unanswered that day.

"Hey Quinn," Rachel said, her voice sounded small, hesitant, and scared. It sounded exactly the way it did whenever the two would talk when Quinn was still bullying her, and that was less talk and more intimidation with Rachel trying to pretend she wasn't afraid. Quinn could tell she was still pretending, saving face just like she had been doing, and she was so sick of it. She had been determined not to turn out like her mother and yet here she was in a watered down version of her parents' marriage and she was only sixteen.

"Hey Rach," she said, and the nickname burned her tongue. Quinn looked over at Rachel and she hated what she saw. Rachel was clearly walking on eggshells – _more like walking on a mix of broken glass and salt_ – and she was afraid of saying the wrong thing. Quinn wasn't giving her any slack, however, which was only making the problem worse since this is how they had been treating each other for almost two weeks.

"I know I've been busy lately, everyone has been busy getting ready for National's, but I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch with me today," she said, but her voice was an octave higher than normal, and the request made Quinn's whole body freeze down to her core. She had been avoiding spending any alone time with the other girl for the last week and a half, but it seemed Rachel had picked up on that.

"Don't you have a singing lesson with Cindy?" she asked, and she honestly didn't mean for her voice to sound so biting. Rachel visibly flinched at the time, but Quinn didn't apologize. Rachel had been giving Cindy singing lessons at lunch every day, and the blonde just couldn't stop herself from peeking in the window every once in a while, and what she saw was always the same: Cindy looking at Rachel with the mooniest eyes she's ever seen, and Rachel looked totally oblivious.

"We were going to practice today, yes, but she's been making so much process over the last week that I suggested we take a break, and we can pick up where we left off on Monday," she said, and Quinn couldn't tell if the enthusiasm in her voice was fake or not. She had taken pride in the fact that she could tell when Rachel was faking something, and she felt nothing but shame over the fact that now she had no clue. Then again, she had been so freaking sure that Rachel would never hide something huge from her and she was wrong about that. What else had she misjudged about the little diva?

"Besides, I want to spend time with my amazing girlfriend," Rachel said, and placed her hand over the small of Quinn's back. The blonde gave herself an internal round of applause for not flinching at the touch. "We haven't been able to do that lately because our schedules have been so crazy, and I think it would do us both some good." Normally she thought it was cute when Rachel talked about her in the third person like that, but right now it was just annoying.

"Ok," Quinn said, and shut her locker. She didn't mean for it to close that hard, the sound of it caused Rachel to jump a little. Quinn pretended not to notice. "I told Santana I'd have lunch with her and Brittany today." That was a blatant lie, and she had to decency to feel a little guilty for telling it. "They're finally rebuilding their friendship after the whole 'Santana using a song to express her feelings and then breaking down' thing, and she wants me around so she won't be so tempted to just kiss Brittany senseless. I guess Brittany isn't ready to be in a relationship with her yet or something."

"Maybe that's what she needs," Rachel said, and Quinn tensed up a little. She had no idea where Rachel was going with that sentence and it made her nervous. The look in the diva's eyes had changed, and she looked determined. Determined to do what, Quinn didn't know, and a big ball of anxiety was forming in her belly. "She and Santana have so much chemistry, and maybe Brittany just needs a little push to see how good they would be together now that Santana is ready to be open about her feelings."

Quinn's jaw clenched so hard she felt like her teeth were going to splinter. She looked away from Rachel, her eyes tilted off to the side, and she focused on the lockers just behind the diva. Images of _that_ Saturday flashed through her mind's eye, along with the very first performance she had witnessed of the two singing _Without You_, and Cindy running her fingers so softly along Rachel's arm. There was so way Rachel could honestly believe it was all part of an act, she had to at least suspect that there was more behind it.

"Quinn, are you ok?" Rachel asked, her voice sounded small, and hesitant. Quinn was sure Rachel was totally confused by everything that had been going on. One day everything between them is fine, and the following day Quinn is replying with vague texts, declining offers to hang out, and she's giving her the cold shoulder at every opportunity. _Why didn't I just leave those stupid flowers? At least then Rachel would know I was there, she wouldn't be able to hide it like this_, she thought with a tired sigh.

She was exhausted. She had plenty of practice with this kind of thing, but falling back into old habits was harder than it seemed. After months of being honest about her feelings with Rachel, holding this much back took a lot more energy and work than she thought it would. She was sick of being tired, and it had been twelve days. Twelve. Days. Twelve days was long enough.

"I know, Rachel, ok?" she said, and looked up at her girlfriend. Her voice wasn't as harsh as she thought it would be, which she was glad for. If she was finally going to get all of this off her mind she didn't want to sound like she was openly attacking Rachel. She didn't want to fall back into those kind of habits, and end up saying things she would regret for channeling her inner HBIC. _God, I'm still trying to protect her from myself, even after she's completely shattered me_, she thought, and shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

"What do you mean?" the brunette asked. _For an actress she really sucks at controlling her reactions_, Quinn thought, and took a moment to study the girl in front of her. Rachel's eyes were wide, wider than Quinn had ever seen them, and the expression in them was one of pure panic. Her lips were tight, her face was tense, and by the way she began toying with her watch it looked like she was actively fighting her flight response.

"I think you know exactly what I'm talking about," Quinn said, her tone a little harder than before, and she took a deep breath to calm her down. The sound of laughter from somewhere down the hall drew her attention away from the girl in front of her, and she took a look around. It looked like a few groups had finished eating in the cafeteria and had decided to hang out in the halls before their classes began. They couldn't have this conversation here or else the entire thing would end up on Jacob's blog.

"Let's talk about this somewhere else," the blonde said without even looking at the other girl. She glanced at Rachel out of the corner of her eye for half a second before walking off, fully expecting the other girl to just follow her without question. She hated herself for treating Rachel like this, like the way she used to treat Finn when he did something she didn't like, but she would worry about the guilt later. Right now she just needed to find a quiet place to have this talk because she felt like her chest was going to explode if she didn't get this out.

Quinn walked into an empty classroom – possibly the room used for English 1A, but she couldn't remember – and Rachel followed her in. She wasn't surprised at all when she heard the lock click into place. They didn't need anyone walking in on them while they talk about _this_. She was also glad for the door being locked because even though she wanted to hash this out, another part of her wanted to run far and fast, and hide from these awful feelings.

"What do you know, Quinn?" Rachel asked before the blonde could get a word out. She took a deep breath, and leaned against the desk. She really didn't want to be standing right now, but she was sure Rachel wouldn't sit down with her, and she didn't want to feel vulnerable by having the other girl literally looking down at her. She took a second to gather her thoughts, and watched Rachel fidget uncomfortably. Rachel never fidgeted, and seeing her do so was strange, and a really small part of her wanted to take the other girl into her arms and tell her everything would be fine.

"I know you kissed that–" she began, but stopped herself. She couldn't give in and say _exactly_ what she wanted. What she wanted was to call Cindy every mean name she could think of instead of using her actual name, but she couldn't do that. She had promised Rachel she wouldn't be that girl anymore, and she couldn't break that promise, not even when she was about to have this conversation.

"I know you kissed Cindy." As soon as those words were out of her mouth Rachel paled, and her whole body froze. Quinn didn't think she was breathing, and she was sure her heart was racing. She could tell because that vein on the side of Rachel's neck was pounding just under her skin. Now that she was finally speaking about it she couldn't force herself to stop, no matter how much stress it caused her love.

"And I know," she continued, her voice choked up as tears swelled in her eyes. In the past she would have forced that away; squashed it down, turned it into anger, and verbally attacked whoever she was talking to. She refused to do that, however. She wanted Rachel to see this. She wanted the other girl to know exactly how much she had been hurting these last twelve days. "Instead of telling me about it you've kept it a secret, and you've been spending even more time with her than before."

"Quinn, it isn't like that, I swear," she said, and Quinn scoffed. Rachel took a few steps towards her, and the blonde didn't move. There was something about the look on Rachel's face, the expression in her eyes that kept her still. She looked almost wild with desperation; like an animal with its leg caught in a trap, and it's considering chewing the damn thing off just to get away.

"I know that's what people say when things like this happen; they swear up and down that it meant nothing." The blonde tried as hard as she could to focus on what Rachel was saying, but it was difficult. She was almost unrecognizable with fear and panic, and Quinn's heart felt like it was going to seize up completely. "But baby, you have to believe me that it isn't what you think it is." That snapped the blonde's mind back into complete focus, and her whole body tensed up at those words.

"Don't call me that," she whispered, softly shaking her head back and forth as if she were trying to take back the sound. "I can't hear that right now." Her voice cracked, and she watched as tears welled up in Rachel's eyes. She recognized these tears, and she felt some relief. She wasn't acting or playing this up; they were honest to God tears. She felt a strong urge to reach out, and use the pads of her thumbs to wipe them away. She hated seeing her Rachel like this. Not only did it hurt, it also brought back a lot of bad memories when she was the direct cause of these tears. But her own pain was too overwhelming to give in to that need.

"Why didn't you tell me about it?" she asked, her voice sounded weak, shaky, and with a vulnerability she had never allowed herself before. This isn't what Fabray's did. Fabray's don't break down; they don't beg for answers, they don't let anyone see them while they're down. But Quinn was desperate to shed that part of herself, and even though every fiber of her being was fighting it, she let Rachel see her bleed raw.

"I've been waiting for days, Rachel. I honestly thought that you would tell me what happened between you two," she said, her voice growing hard and a little stronger as the anger started to drip into the well of disappointment, and betrayal. "Do you have an idea how it feels every time I see you with her, know you're keeping this from me?" She saw something flash across Rachel's eyes, an emotion she couldn't name, and before she could get a good look it was gone.

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want it to get between us. We've been so busy lately, we barely see each other enough as it is, and I didn't want you to be mad at me," she said, her voice didn't sound as hysterical as it did before now that Quinn was actually opening up instead of being guarded, and accusatory. "But I can explain, Quinn, this is just a big misunderstanding, and that kiss wasn't a big deal, ok? It wasn't what you think it is."

Quinn stood there, eyes burning, and she waited. She waited for Rachel to give her insight, change her memory, to do something. She didn't, though, she just stood there trying not to cry as Quinn watched. The blonde wasn't sure what the other girl was waiting for, and the silence bred an anger and hatred in the blonde that ripped through her body so powerfully she felt her knees begin to shake.

"Go ahead, Rachel, explain it to me," she said, her voice raised, and took on a sharp edge that she aimed right at the diva. "Explain to me how kissing another girl, and keeping it a secret isn't a big deal. Tell me how my heart has been breaking over nothing. Please, enlighten me, because I really need it." Memories of her parents fighting flew through her mind, but she them down. She took a deep, shaky breath and watched as the tears cascaded down Rachel's cheeks, and her lips quivered with the sobs she was holding back.

"Cindy is like we used to be, Quinn," she said, her voice trembled so harshly, Quinn had to strain her ears to understand the words. "She's confused, and she's lost, and she doesn't have anyone else to talk to about this stuff. So, on Saturday I told her to come over so we could talk about it, so she wouldn't have to feel so alone. She said she thinks she might be bisexual, that sometimes she has thoughts about girls the way most girls think about boys, but she doesn't know what it means for sure." She stopped to take a breath, and a sinking feeling settled in Quinn's belly at the look Rachel got on her face. Whatever was coming next, the diva knew she wasn't going to like.

"So I suggested that we kiss, just once, to see if she felt anything." Quinn felt like she had been slapped. How could Rachel possibly think _that_ wasn't a big deal? For almost two weeks the blonde had been running an endless number of scenarios in her mind about how that kiss occurred. Maybe Cindy had a moment just like Quinn had, when she got so caught up in Rachel's powerful voice that she had a momentary lapse in judgment; maybe the other girl secretly loved Rachel and took advantage of the fact that they were alone in the house together; maybe they were acting out a scene together. _This_, however, had never once crossed her mind.

"See, Quinn? That kiss doesn't matter because it's never going to happen again, and Cindy and I don't have feelings for each other so you don't have anything to worry about," the diva said, her voice cracking on the last part of her very long sentence. Quinn felt like she couldn't breathe. Couldn't Rachel see what was right in front of her face? It was so obvious, and she was missing it. She wanted to scream it at her, but she didn't want to think about it; it was just too painful.

"If I made out with Santana would you get upset?" she asked after a very long, tense silence. At least to Quinn it felt long. It was probably only a few seconds, but everything felt like it was moving in slow motion, and Quinn felt like an animal caught in a tar pit, sinking a little farther with every moment, and no one was there to help her out.

"What?" Rachel asked with a small gasp. Quinn had picked Santana's name for a reason. The head Cheerio was still a big sore spot between the two no matter how hard they tried to put it behind them. Rachel still felt insecure about the game of spin the bottle, and Quinn felt equally insecure about the fact that her friend found her girlfriend attractive and wasn't shy about saying so to get a rise out of her.

"If I made out with Santana, Rachel, if I let her put her hands on me, and kiss me, would that hurt you? If she sent me a text right now saying she's not sure if she's into girls, and she thinks her attraction to Brittany was just a phase, and she wants to kiss me to make sure, what would you do, Rachel, how would that make you feel?" Quinn felt as if she had just drive a tiny little thumb tact into a wall using a sledgehammer, but she could tell by that look in Rachel's eyes that her point had been made.

"It was just _one_ kiss, Quinn," she practically yelled, but Quinn forced herself not to respond. "Cindy didn't put her hands on me. We weren't even doing anything intimate. We were standing, and we kissed each other once, and that was it." Quinn knew that Rachel realized just how big of a deal this was now, but she was just too stubborn to admit it. Her attempt to downplay the situation only confirmed her guilt.

"I saw it, Rachel! She _had_ her hands on you!" Quinn screamed, her hands balled into fists at her sides, and her chest heaved with her ragged breathing. She was surprised by the ferocity in her voice, and it made Rachel take a fearful step back. She felt guilty as soon as it happened. She never wanted Rachel to be afraid of her like that. But then her face when from a look of fear to one of confusion, and Quinn let out a long, tired sigh. She just wanted this conversation to be over. Now that Rachel had told her why she did what she did, Quinn could storm off and work hard to repress this, but then she would go back to being that hateful girl, and that wasn't an option.

"What do you mean?" she asked, her voice sounded so small that for a second Quinn wanted to wrap her up in her arms, and kiss the tears off her face. She hated feeling so conflicted. Things with Rachel were supposed to be easy now. They were out of the closet, could be affectionate in front of their friends. _It was supposed to be us versus the world, what the shit happened to that_? "You said you were going to be in bed all day watching movies."

"I lied," she said, and all of the anger vanished from her voice. Now she just sounded sad, beaten down even, and the look that washed over Rachel's face in response to it twisted the knife in Quinn's heart even more. "I wanted to surprise you because we didn't get to see each other much that week." _Might as well be completely fucking honest with her, right?_ Tears poured down her cheeks as she took a small breath, and tried to mentally prepare herself for this.

"So I used the hide-a-key, and I saw you kissing her." For one of the very few times in her life, Rachel was speechless. "I even brought you flowers. I was going–" she hiccupped, and wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. "I was going to give myself to you." Rachel's eyes widened in surprise, her mouth even fell open to form a small 'o'. "I didn't expect you to let me touch you back because I know you're not ready for that. But I love you so much, Rachel, and I was ready to show you just how much.

"I knew your dads were going to be gone all day, so I wore that blue dress you love, and I snuck in because I wanted it to be like how it used to be before your dad caught us," she struggled to control her breathing, and as she did so it was almost as if she registered the words that had come out of her mouth, like someone else was saying them, and her brain had been slow to process. Her eyebrows furrowed, and a look of pure fury took over her face and she looked her girlfriend dead in the eyes. "I was going to give myself to you, and you cheated on me!"

"I didn't cheat on you! It was just one, stupid kiss!" Rachel screamed back. The two squared their shoulders, looking like they were getting ready for a fight. Quinn was fed up with all of this shit, and Rachel was getting defensive, and they were fueled by each other's anger. The tension in the room crackled and popped like static in the air before a lightning storm. "And you really don't have any room to talk, Quinn." A cold chill rushed through the blonde's veins, and she hoped against all odds that Rachel didn't say what she think she just said.

"And what is _that_ supposed to mean?" she snapped, taking a step forward, using her slightly taller frame to try and intimidate the other girl. Rachel wasn't backing down, however. If anything the look in her eyes mirrored Quinn's perfectly: hard and cold.

"It means you're accusing me of doing something that I have to worry about _all the time_. Do you have any idea what _that_ feel like, Quinn?" she spat out, and the blonde felt her entire body heat up with rage. She got tunnel vision, and all she could see was Rachel's face looking back at her with anger, but also panic. Her self-justification had been challenged and now she was lashing out, Quinn knew that, but _this_ was not ok. Before she could suggest they take a break before one of them said something they would really regret, Rachel opened her mouth and words fell out. "It was just _one_ _kiss_, it's not like I got pregnant."

Rachel gasped as soon as the words slipped passed her lips, and she covered her mouth with her hand. Her eyes were wide, shock and shame written all over them. She watched as Quinn squared her jaw, her shoulders so tense they looked like they were about to snap. All she could do was stand there, paralyzed by fear as Quinn wiped the last of her drying tears from her face, and took a step back.

"Quinn," she whispered, her voice sounded so small and shaky that the blonde wasn't sure if it had happened or if she only imagined it. Rachel reached out a hand, very slowly, as if she were about to stick it in a cage with an angry lion, but Quinn jerked her arm away before Rachel could get too close. "I didn't mean it." Something about the look in Quinn's eyes made her freeze. The look in them felt heavy, like she had weighed her options and come to a decision. Rachel wanted to put a hand over those perfect lips to prevent whatever was about to come out.

"We're done," Quinn said, voice as hard as stone and Rachel shook her head no. Tears started streaming down her face and she tried to take a step towards Quinn, but the other girl held out her hand, keeping her at bay. "I don't know what's been going on with you lately, but you're not my Rachel anymore." Those words cut like glass, and the brunette didn't even bother trying to hold back her sobs. "My Rachel would _never_ use Beth against me like that. Don't follow me." With that she stormed out of the room, unlocking and throwing the door open so hard it slammed into the wall, leaving the diva to crumble to the floor in tears.

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**A/N: ****I'm going to break pattern, and write one more chapter for this story to wrap it up. It'll probably be a couple of days because this has pretty much drained me dry. Anyway else need a strong drink?**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'd like to apologize for taking so long getting this chapter written/posted. Anyone who's watching The Walking Dead will know what I mean when I say that my feels had been gutted. But, I finished, and that's all that matters, right? This has not been looked at by my beta, and it is subject to change, but I wanted to get it up to hopefully answer some of the questions that were brought up with the last chapter.**

**The song used in this chapter is Forever by Idina Menzel.**

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Rachel took a deep breath the second the high note came to an end, and the song slowly petered out. She wiped at the tears rolling over her cheeks, and she internally groaned. She didn't understand it. Normally singing was a catharsis; she opened her mouth, released everything she kept just right under the surface, and the emotions bled out of her body. So she didn't understand why she didn't feel anything at all. There was no temporary relief, no rush of endorphins, no feeling of being connected to something greater than herself. There was just this big back sucking hole where all of the good feelings caused by Quinn used to be.

Just thinking the other girl's name brought fresh tears to her eyes. She hadn't seen the other girl since the breakup, which Rachel was doing on purpose. She had convinced her dads to let her stay home from school that Friday since it was still too fresh, but under no circumstances would she miss anymore than that. So she had until tomorrow to get this awful feeling out of her chest because she just knew if she didn't than she would break down in tears the moment she saw the blonde.

Scrolling through the song list on her iPod, she searched for the perfect song, the perfect tool that would cut into this spore and let the infection drain out. But her eyes weren't really taking in any of the words on the little screen. Her mind had wandered off, back to that awful conversation. She had been thinking about it since Thursday, after Quinn walked out of that room, and as a result out of her life. She had gone straight home, skipping the rest of her classes and rehearsal, and locked herself away.

When her dads got home from work they had found her on her bed crying so hard she was gagging, and coughing. Leroy rushed to her side, pulling her into his lap as if she were still a small child while Hiram ran downstairs to fetch a glass of water. When they asked her what was wrong, at first she said nothing, crying even harder as she thought about the hurt look on Quinn's face throughout the entire conversation. It was that other look, though, that final expression she got before storming off like she honestly didn't recognize the person in front of her that made Rachel's heart sink in her chest.

After a while she finally started to calm down, Leroy gently dabbing the back of her neck with a cold washcloth helped, and she tried to tell them what happened. All that ended up coming out was Quinn's name in a very strained, and horse voice. Hiram immediately saw red, claiming he knew all along that something like this would happen, that Quinn would end up hurting his baby girl, and he should march over to her house and give her a piece of his mind.

Rachel found her voice then, screaming at her dad that _she_ did the heartbreaking, and Quinn was completely innocent. There may have even been a few swear words used that the men chose to overlook. He didn't say anything after that, which she was grateful for. She just buried her face in her daddy's chest and sobbed. The entire time she couldn't help but think about the time when she was five, and her parents made the mistake of letting her watch _Ol' Yeller_ when it came on the movie channel.

She wiped away some of the tears that were rolling slowly down her face, and she found a song she doesn't normally listen to. The only reason she had it in the first place was an effort to build up a collection of sad songs for rainy days. She knew that sounded really melodramatic, but when it's December in Ohio, and it's raining buckets outside, and the whole town is possibly going to be buried in two feet of snow, singing a happy song about love and the amazing-ness of life just doesn't cut it.

The instrumental washed over her brain, and she let the lyrics swim around in her mind, focusing on nothing but the song and letting it quiet down the ciaos in her head, she felt it. This was it; her perfect song. This would be the thing that helped her get this awful, guilty feeling out of her body. This would definitely help her purge, and when she saw Quinn she wouldn't turn into a clingy mess. Quinn hated her now, and even though she wanted to get on her knees and beg for forgiveness, she knew that the blond would never accept it. How could after Rachel threw Beth in her face like that?

_How I could be so cruel, and say something like that to her? It was so hard for her to open up, and talk to me about what it was like going through her pregnancy, and what Beth symbolizes to her. We wouldn't even have been together if it wasn't for the perspective she gained on her journey of becoming a mother, and giving her baby the best chance she could get_, she thought, fresh tears swelled in her eyes, and she sucked in a deep breath. _Why did I have to be so stupid?_

She put the song on repeat, letting the lyrics engrain into her mind until she knew them all by heart. She had been training like this since she was a baby so memorizing lyrics wasn't difficult or time consuming. While it was playing, she grabbed her camcorder and set it up on the tripod. She focused on these little things – getting the tripod perfect, making sure the camera was fully charged in case she needed to record this more than once – to try and stop her mind from wondering, but she couldn't help it.

_Why was I so selfish?_ she thought, and wiped the remaining tears from her eyes. She knew exactly where it started to go wrong, but she didn't want to admit it out loud. At first she thought that Cindy Sanders was just a very enthusiastic girl who loved singing almost as much as she did. As soon as she sang White Knuckles and Rachel saw the potential, her mind went crazy with all of the possibilities. If she could teach Cindy Sanders, and the girl went on to become one of the best members of New Directions, than Rachel wouldn't just be known as one of the best performers at McKinley High, she would also be the girl who taught the second best performer everything she knew.

She should have seen it sooner, and she hated herself for being so blind. She didn't think anything of it when Cindy would casually touch Rachel's arm while they were talking. She never thought to question why the other girl would look into her eyes for just a few seconds longer than what was considered friendly. She had a feeling Cindy was at least bi-curious. She saw the way her eyes would wander down the toned legs of the Cheerios as they walked by, or the way her face would blush whenever a girl bent over, revealing a little more cleavage than intended.

So when she started picking up on the subtle hints that maybe Cindy wanted more than just a student-teacher relationship, she should have put a stop to it. Dealing with this type of thing, however, was not Rachel's strong suite. Yes, she was dating the most gorgeous girl at McKinley High, but there was just something so thrilling about being desired by someone else. Rachel Berry suddenly went from feeling like an ugly, unwanted freak, to feeling like a bigger stud than Puck. She knew it was wrong, but she liked that feeling, and even though she never returned Cindy's flirty looks or touches, she never tried to discourage them either.

_I should have at least asked her to stop touching me_, she thought as she sat down on the edge of her bed, and wiped away her tears. _Maybe if I didn't let her touch me none of this would have happened, or maybe if I talked about Quinn more she wouldn't have felt so comfortable with the flirtation_. Thinking about all the time she could have spent with Quinn but instead chose to give Cindy a singing lesson made her cry even harder. She knew exactly what it felt like to feel like a second choice. When she was with Finn there were times he would blow her off to play a Call of Duty marathon with Puck, and it always made her feel like crap.

_And I didn't just make Quinn feel like that. I tried to convince her that nothing was going on when I knew how Cindy felt. What is wrong with me?_ she thought, as she thought about that afternoon when Quinn told her she saw the performance of _Without You_, and how she thought Cindy had gotten a little too touchy-feely. She could tell that Quinn felt threatened, and she didn't know what to do about it. She didn't want to lose Quinn, but at the same time she didn't want to lose this new friendship. Even without the crush and all of the good feelings that brought her, Cindy was a good person who she genuinely liked and wanted to be around.

_She said that she saw us kiss_, she thought, and looked over at her bedroom door. _The music was so loud, if the music wasn't so loud maybe I would have heard her coming up the stairs and none of this would be happening. We would still be happy and in love, and she would be here right now kissing me, and calling me beautiful. She said she was going to give herself to me, but instead she saw another girl with her lips pressed against mine. Then I told it was my idea instead of telling her the truth, what kind of a monster am I?_ She can't help but let her mind wander back to that day.

That Saturday morning Rachel woke up in a really great mood. She had a dream about winning Nationals. She was standing up on that stage singing her heart out, Quinn right by her side looking at her with nothing but pride and love in her eyes. After they were announced the winners everyone else went to paint New York red, well the parts of New York Mr. Schue would allow them to, at least. Except for Quinn and Rachel. They snuck back to the girls' hotel room, and had their own after party that involved no clothes, lots of moaning, and ended with Rachel resting her head on Quinn's heaving, and sweaty breast much like _that scene_ from Titanic.

Then she got the text from Cindy. She had finally admitted that she liked girls the way she thought she was supposed to only like boys. She was freaking out, panicking about what her family might think of her if they found out, and the only thing Rachel could think of to say was, "come over and we'll talk about it; talking instead of texting might help more". She quickly got dressed, said goodbye to her dads as they left for the farmer's market, and she made herself some breakfast while she waited for her friend.

Since Cindy was only a freshman, and therefore couldn't drive, Rachel had time to not only cook her breakfast, but also eat it, clean up the dishes and finish the homework that was due on Monday. She was just putting the worksheets back in her folder when there was a loud knock on the door. It startled her, and her body's jerk reaction made her drop her backpack, and her heart started beating wildly out of control. She forced herself to calm down, however, because the other girl was going through a gay panic, and Rachel couldn't fault her for that.

She immediately ran to the door, but she saw when she opened it wasn't what she expected. She knew that Cindy was upset, but the girl was sobbing so hard she was barely breathing, and she looked so lost and scared. Rachel's heart went out to the girl, and a tight feeling settled in her chest. Cindy reminded her of Quinn a couple of weeks after they started experimenting and trying to figure out their sexuality, the blonde had a break down like this, and Rachel was there for her, and she was determined to help Cindy through this.

"Hey, come in," she said, and held onto the taller girl's hand. She gently pulled her inside the house, and shut the door. She led her into the living room, and they sat down on the couch. Rachel wrapped her arms around Cindy, and tried to pull her close. She was reluctant at first, but eventually accepted the comfort that Rachel was offering. She hid her face against the shorter girl's shoulder, and Rachel softly ran her fingers through Cindy's hair, making quiet shushing sounds, and she couldn't help but feel like a mother trying to console a child.

"This can't be happening," Cindy gasped against Rachel's shoulder. Her voice was muffled, and sounded really raw, but Rachel was sure she had heard her correctly. "What am I supposed to do?" Rachel's heart hurt at the sound of Cindy's voice. She had never heard anyone sound so weak before, and it caused tears to well up in her own eyes.

"It's going to be ok, Cindy," she said in what she hoped sounded like a reassuring voice but considering she was having trouble holding back her own emotion she wasn't sure if she succeeded or not. "I know it's scary, ok? Believe me, I know how terrifying all of this is."

"No, you don't," Cindy interrupted before she could get to her point. Rachel's jaw snapped shut so hard her teeth clattered. She wanted to argue because since coming out things at school had gotten a little rougher. The slushy attacks increased, Jacob was constantly following her around like a bee hovering around a hive, and three jocks had taken in upon themselves to offer to "straighten her out", but Rachel went against her natural instincts and stayed quiet.

"I'm sorry, Rachel," she said, and sat up. She wiped the tears from her eyes, and just looking at her face, all puffy and red from crying, her lips were swollen, and she looked exhausted, made Rachel's heart hurt even more for the girl. "But you really don't get it. Your dads are amazing, and they love you no matter what. If my mom and dad find out they'll send me away." Rachel's eyebrows furrowed, and she gently rubbed Cindy's back as the other girl struggled her control her breathing.

"What do you mean they'll send you away?" she asked, and she sounded hesitant. As much as she wanted to help her friend there was a tiny part of her that didn't want to know. She wanted to believe that every family was as loving and accepting as hers. She wanted to believe that deep down everyone loved their children as much as her parents loved her, and that with time they would come to accept Cindy for who she is. But she knew that wasn't always the case, and hearing about the kids who weren't as lucky as she was made her angry and unbelievably sad.

"They'll send me to one of those pray-away-the-gay camps. My aunt and uncle sent my cousin there two years ago, and he said it was awful," she said around her sobs, and Rachel felt like her insides had been doused in ice water. "I can't go to one of those places, Rachel, I just can't. I'd rater die." The brunette felt so far out of her depth that she considered texting her fathers, and begging them to come home so they could help her. She didn't want to scare Cindy off, though, so instead she kept rubbing the other girl's back since that seemed to help.

"Cindy, don't say things like that, ok? That isn't going to happen," she said, and she tried as hard as she could to sound calm and supportive, but she was afraid that her own emotions were starting to bleed through. "I promise I won't tell anyone, ok? I would never do that to someone, especially not after what happened to me and Quinn. But I need you to promise me that if anything does happen that you'll come here instead of hurting yourself like that, ok? My dads won't let anything bad happen to you. I know they won't." Cindy couldn't speak because of the large knot in her throat, but she did nod her head.

They sat there like that for what seemed like hours. Rachel gently stroked Cindy's hair, and rubbed her back, and was quietly there for her while she calmed down. She had learned from Quinn that sometimes silent support was better than trying to talk her way through the somewhat awkward quiet. So that's exactly what she did, and after a while Cindy got control of her breathing, and the tears finally stopped. When she was calm, she wrapped Rachel up in a big hug, and whispered a little thank you in her ear. Rachel hugged her back, a small smile tugged at the corners of her lips.

"Ok, now why don't we go upstairs? I think you'll be more comfortable there, and you can clean up in my bathroom," she said and stood up from the couch. She held onto the taller girl's hand, and gently led her towards the stairs. "Why don't we go through my music collection and see if there's anything you might be interested in? We don't have to do it today, obviously, but compiling a list of songs you would like to work on would make things go smoother in the future. It'll save us time during our lessons." Slipping into teacher mode made her feel safe, and steady during all of the uncertainty she felt downstairs, and she was just on the sidelines. She couldn't even imagine what Cindy was going through.

"I don't think my voice could take something like that today," she said as they walked into Rachel's bedroom. This is where their music lessons took place outside of school, and the atmosphere of the Berry household was so relaxed that Cindy felt right at home. "I'm going to wash my face. I'll be right back." She went into Rachel's bathroom without another word and shut the door. Rachel sat down on the edge of the bed and tried to be patient while she waited. Her hands kept fidgeting, and she couldn't sit still. There were too many questions floating around her mind, and she had no idea if she should ask them or not.

Instead she distracted herself. She walked over to her iPod and scrolled through the playlists until she found all of her favorites by Barbra Streisand. She put it on and cranked it up as loud as it could go in an attempt to quiet down the thoughts still pounding inside of her head. _Are Cindy's parents abusing her? Should I tell Dad and Daddy about this? They could find out somehow, and if they do send her away then she'll be hurt. She'll either hurt herself or suffer traumatic psychological damage that could take years and years of therapy to even begin to get over. What am I supposed to do?_

Then, as if her prayer had been answered, she got a text message from Quinn. A sense of relief flooded her system. Talking with Quinn always made her feel better, even if it was only words on a little screen. She decided to push some boundaries today. She and Quinn had become a little more comfortable when it came to sending sexy texts. One night before bed she even wrote in very graphic detail exactly how she wanted to worship Quinn's…nether regions. So she was still a little shy when it came to sex, but she was getting better at it, and luckily there was plenty of material online that helped her fill in the blanks since she was lacking in experience.

But then Quinn had to send a text about her masturbatory habits. Well, sort of. She said that she wasn't a "morning person" unless she woke up from a sexy dream. Rachel had no idea how to respond to that. Sure, she was trying to get Quinn a little more comfortable with the idea of self-pleasure because she wasn't ready to take things further between them, but she wouldn't mind – in fact, she wanted to very much – watch Quinn get herself off while she did the same. It would not only be arousing, but also very educational because she would get to see what the other girl likes and prefers.

"Is Barbra Streisand your go to for everything?" she heard Cindy ask as the other girl came out of the bathroom. She was a little surprised she was able to hear the other girl since the music was so loud, but they had been working on projecting your voice so even the people in the very back of the auditorium would be able to hear. Maybe giving that lesson so soon had been a little bit of a mistake. Rachel just blushed as Cindy walked over to her iHome and turned the volume down so they would be able to talk.

"I grew up listening to these songs so they're comforting. We can listen to something else if you want," she said, and put her phone down. As much as she wanted to respond to Quinn's text, she couldn't with Cindy in the room. It would feel too weird. She wanted to ask Quinn if any of those "naughty dreams" were about her, and if the answer was yes, then what exactly did the blonde dream about? If they were anything like her dreams of the other girl than this conversation definitely wasn't one they could have with other people in the room.

"So it's like your metaphorical baby blanket or something," Cindy said, and sat down on the bed. Before Rachel could say anything, she fell back with a small sigh, and stared up at the ceiling. Rachel just shook her head at the silliness of the move. Is this what she looked like to other people when she acted dramatic? She wanted to care, but deep down she didn't. She was a diva, after all, and having big emotions and expressing them in big ways was just what divas did.

"Yeah, I guess it's something like that. No matter how I'm feeling if I put these songs on they always make me feel hopeful. Like, even if things are really bad right now, as long as you work really hard and pull yourself out of the situation things will get better," she said, and prayed that Cindy didn't read too much into that. She was just being honest. She didn't want the other girl to think she was talking about her situation specifically. _I really need to start filtering my thoughts before they leave my tongue_, she thought, and watched Cindy's face carefully for any signs of a negative reaction.

"That's cool, that you have that," she said, and closed her eyes when Rachel started to gently run her fingers through her hair. Rachel loved having her hair played with, it always calmed her down and made her feel special since it's a very specific type of attention, and she had no doubt that it would help Cindy feel better. But then Cindy glanced over at the nightstand, and her eyebrows furrowed a little. "You didn't have to stop texting because I'm here. You know I don't mind." Rachel worried her bottom lip, and tried not to sigh.

"Don't worry about it," she said and stood up. She was starting to feel anxious again, she wasn't too sure why, but she couldn't just sit there anymore. So she walked over to her iPod again, and started scrolling through the songs. "I asked Quinn if she wanted to come over, but she said she's going to have a movie marathon. When things start to get really stressful she escapes by watching movies, or reading. You should see the bookshelf she has in her bedroom, it's completely overflowing." _Stop rambling, it'll just make things more awkward_, she thought and finally decided on a song.

"I've noticed that about her. Every time I see her she's always carrying around a new book," Cindy said. Rachel looked over at her, and she must have had a weird expression on her face because Cindy tensed up. "What? She's Quinn Fabray, everyone notices her." _She's right, stop being so weird. You're dating a popular girl, it shouldn't be weird to hear something like that. Why does it feel so weird to hear something like that? _"Besides, she's not just Quinn Fabray anymore. She's also one of the only out kids at our school. People talk. Not all of it is bad, but sometimes…." She let it hang there, and Rachel prayed she wouldn't finish that thought.

"Have you ever heard this song?" she asked as her favorite song in the whole world started playing. Cindy smiled at the look Rachel got on her face – her eyes lit up, her whole body changed its demeanor, and she looked like she was getting ready for something big. She couldn't help but feel the same. When Rachel got in a mood like this it was infectious, and every time she got sucked right in no matter how hard she tried to resist. When she shook her head no Rachel's eyes went wide, and she looked shocked.

"You've been missing out, trust me," she said, and turned the music up as loud as it could go. She wanted to get lost, wanted to forget about all of the weird and awkward things that have been happening lately simply because she didn't have enough time to deal with them. All she wanted was to be in a relationship – a big, epic story for the ages type of relationship – and now that she finally had it, it was starting to fall apart because being with someone wasn't all kisses between class, and texting late into the night. No, it was a lot of work making sure the other person wasn't feeling ignored, and she was failing. Rachel Berry never failed anything.

She was too caught up in the song, too busy channeling all of that frustration and anger, and letting it pour out of her body through her voice, that she didn't notice Cindy get off the bed. Her eyes were closed as she wailed on the high note, tears slowly ran down her cheeks as the cathartic feeling took hold. But something made her stop. Right in the middle of the note she felt something brush against her cheeks. She opened her eyes, wide with surprise, and saw Cindy standing in front of her. Their height difference made her look up at the other girl, and what she saw in her eyes made her freeze up.

Everything seemed to go in slow motion, like some kind of horror movie, as Cindy leaned down with closed eyes, and softly pressed her lips against Rachel's. She stood there feeling paralyzed, as Cindy softly rubbed her cheek with her thumb, wiping away the tears that had been slowly falling down her cheek. She kept her eyes open, staring at the girl in front of her, trying to force her arms and legs to move, to push her off of her, to back away, to do _something_. Her body and mind, however, was still in shock, and all she could do was stand there and wait for Cindy to stop.

Then the song came to an end, and the room was cast into silence for a few seconds before switching to the next. That's when Cindy pulled back, a blush and shy look spreading over her face before she opened her bright blue eyes. As soon as she gaze landed on Rachel's face she tensed, and took a step back. Rachel came to life then, and started pacing back and forth. She didn't know what to do. This kind of thing had never happened to her before. Sure, she tried to seduce Finn on the stage of the auditorium, but this was totally different. She already had a girlfriend, and she wasn't a cheater.

"Rachel, I'm so–" Cindy started, but Rachel held her hand up, silencing her. The little brunette stopped pacing, and covered her hands with her face. It was all falling apart. She and Quinn hadn't even been in the same room alone together in days, and now Cindy was kissing her. The worst part of it all, though, is knowing it was her fault. She pushed for all of the singing lessons because she wanted Cindy to be the best so when she left McKinley High next year they would be in good hands. She suspected Cindy liked her, but she never said anything about it, and then this happened.

"God, what am I going to tell Quinn?" she said to herself, forgetting for a moment that Cindy was even in the room. That is, until the girl was standing in front of her, holding onto her wrists, and tears were swelling up in her eyes. She had never seen anyone look so desperate before, and it scared her. If Cindy was this afraid of one kiss, just one stupid kiss, then what were her parents saying to her already? Rachel's heart went out for her, and she never felt so lucky to have the Berry-men as her parents. Sure her dad was pissed when he caught her with Quinn, but she had been topless at the time, any parent would have reacted badly.

"You can't tell Quinn. Please, Rachel, you can't say anything to her," she said, her voice quivering as her lips trembled. All the brunette could do was stand there in shock. _Why is she freaking out about Quinn finding out? She kissed me, but it was just a simple kiss, and it only happened once. Quinn will understand. Hell, Quinn did the same thing to me, it's what started this whole thing. I think I may have some siren blood in me or something because people keep kissing me when I sing. There's no other explanation for it_, she thought, and took a deep breath. The last thing she needed was to lose her temper.

"Cindy, it's ok," she said, trying to sound calm and cool about the whole thing, but her voice betrayed her with a small quiver. "Quinn will be mad, yes, but she won't do anything stupid. She's not the girl she used to be." The taller girl shook her head as if she were physically refusing to accept the words. "I have to tell her. We promised that we would always be honest with each other. I can't keep something like this from her, that wouldn't be right." Feeling herself starting to get upset, she stopped, and took another breath.

"No, Rachel, you don't understand. You can't tell her; she'll kill me," Cindy said, and gripped the brunette's wrists tighter. The look of fear in Cindy's eyes made Rachel's stomach knot. _She can't be afraid of Quinn like that simply because of her reputation. She used to be the HBIC at McKinley, but she hasn't been that mean bully in months. People aren't afraid of her like they used to be, she's actually starting to make more friends in different circles now, and it's because she isn't that girl anymore_, she thought, and a very uncomfortable feeling ran throughout her entire body.

"What are you talking about? Quinn would never do something like that," she said, wanting to believe her words more than anything, but the look on Cindy's face was causing her to have doubt. The grip on her wrists loosened, but the other girl didn't let go completely. Rachel watched as a storm brewed behind Cindy's eyes. She knew her well enough now to know when she was feeling very conflicted. Right now she looked like she was about to have a panic attack. "Cindy, please, if something happened you need to tell me."

"I can't, Rachel. I promised her I wouldn't tell you," she said, big salty tears started running down her cheeks, ruining her perfect makeup. Rachel gently guided the other girl over to her bed and they sat down. Now that Cindy was upset again she went into full on comfort mode. She rubbed the girl's back, gently stroked her hair, brushed the tears off of her face with the back of her hand, and for a moment she even debated running downstairs to get a glass of water. But the thought of leaving the distraught girl alone, even for a minute, didn't seem like an option. Rachel was sure Cindy would run, and she couldn't let that happen.

"Cindy, please. I know you made a promise, but look at you. You're trembling at just the thought of what Quinn might do, so please, tell me what happened, and I'll be able to help," she said in a very soft tone. She had to work extra hard to keep the frustration out of her voice, and used all of her years of acting lessons to help her. What she really wanted to do was call Quinn and demand answers. She had some suspicions about what was going on, but she refused to believe they could be true until she got some real answers.

"Ok, ok," Cindy said, her voice choking up and making it almost impossible to talk. Rachel tried to stay calm, but she couldn't help the way her entire body tensed. Cindy wiped her eyes, and sniffled loudly. She took a moment to calm down, and Rachel did her best to remain patient even though she felt like she was sitting on pins and needles. One of the gifts Quinn had unknowingly given her through their time together was patience, even though right now it was being severely tested.

"Quinn talked to me last week, after our duet of _Without You_. I guess she saw some of it, and she told me..." Her voice cracked, and she started coughing. Rachel gently patted and rubbed her back until Cindy's body started to calm down. She waited while the other girl composed herself, and that little bit of patience she had left was started to wear thin. "She told me that if anything happened between us then she would confront me about it. And I know that sounds stupid, but Rachel, the look in her eyes was so scary. It's like she was trying to murder me with just a gaze, you know? I've heard stories of how she used to be, but I've never seen her act like that before."

A cold chill ran through Rachel's body, and her eyes drifted off towards the floor, her mind completely lost in thought. _No wonder Quinn has been acting so weird lately. She saw exactly how Cindy has been looking at me, how I've been letting her look at me, and she probably thinks I've been flirting back. Why didn't she talk to me about it? I know Finn strayed, and Noah is just a pig, but why can't she trust me? I can't believe she would do something like that, not after everything we've been through and how much we've changed._

"I'm sorry, Cindy, she shouldn't have said any of that to you," she said, and stood up from the bed. She couldn't sit still anymore. She had too much anxiety roaring through her veins, and she started pacing in front of the bed, her body doing everything it could to get rid of this awful feeling settling in her gut. "I'm not trying to make excuses for her, but she's just not used to dealing with problems like this, and I think she regressed to how she was when she was still with Finn." She covered her face with her hands and let out a big sigh. "What am I going to do?"

"Please, Rachel, don't tell her what happened," Cindy said, drawing Rachel's attention back to her. The other girl looked on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and Rachel's heart went out to her. "Even if she doesn't do anything about it, I can't risk anyone else finding out. If my parents found out what happened that they would send me to one of those places. I'm so sorry I kissed you, I don't know what came over me. You're the only person who gets me, and that's not an excuse, but it'll never happen again, I swear it."

A sick feeling coiled around Rachel's stomach as she tried to weigh her options. _Even if Quinn doesn't confront her about it, she might tell Santana what happened. They're best friends, and now that they've gotten close again they tell each other everything. Even if Quinn makes her promise, Santana might do something, and everyone would find out. Cindy's right, those places are evil, and she can't go there. God, what should I do? Please, help me._ Her prayer went unanswered, and she had never felt more alone or confused.

"I won't tell her," she said, and Cindy's body practically melted with relief. Rachel could see all of her muscles relax, and she almost fell back against the bed. "But only this once." Her voice sounded a little hard now, a clear warning coming through. "This can't happen again. I'm not a cheater, and I understand that you're going through a lot right now, but taking out your confusion on me isn't fair, and I'm not going to let it jeopardize my relationship, ok?" Cindy nodded her head so quickly Rachel was sure she would get some type of whiplash.

"I promise, Rachel. Believe me, I don't want to come between you guys. Quinn scares me, and Santana is borderline psychotic." _Not borderline_, Rachel thought, but kept her mouth shut. "And you two may not realize it, but just being out, and acting like a normal couple instead of trying to hide it, it's done so much good at that school. Some of the other freshman have even talked about coming back because if you guys can be out and happy then they can too, you know?" Cindy looked down at her lap, a sad expression took over her face. "I would if it wasn't for my crazy family."

Rachel sat down next to her, and wrapped her in a big hug. She couldn't help it. Rachel had the picture perfect family, and she had been terrified of coming out to her fathers. She couldn't imagine what Cindy was going through, or even what Quinn went through with her mother. She wanted to understand, she really did, but another part of her was also grateful that she didn't have to, that she had two parents who were proud of her. So she held Cindy while she cried, and internally cursed a world that would make anyone feel like this for simply existing.

_I tried to be a good friend, and look what that got me_, she thought, and wiped away more of her tears. _No, I can't blame either one of them. I should have told Quinn what happened. She would have understood. If I had just told her what Cindy's family is like she would get that, she would have to because she's going through something like it too. Her mother had their pastor come to the house and try to convince her to dump me for God's sake. Cindy would get so much worse than that if her mom and dad found out that she's bi._

She went into the bathroom, and very slowly washed off her face. She let the warm water comfort her as she carefully rubbed her makeup and tear stains off her sore skin. She didn't know how much more of this she could take, but she knew she was starting to reach her limit. _When Quinn confronted me about it I should have just been honest. I should have told her the truth, but I panicked. I'm so used to people doing what I want, and when Quinn didn't back down and see things my way I totally panicked. Why did I panic? Maybe because it felt like my whole world was starting to crumble around me._

Even though she tried to focus on the soapy lather gently washing away the grime that had built up on her face simply from crying, her mind went back to that awful fight. When Quinn said she knew about the kiss, everything inside of her tensed up. She wanted to ask how she knew, if she had confronted Cindy again and gotten a confession out of her, but that would be admitting that she knew about the first threatening conversation, and she had promised to keep her mouth shut about it. She tried as hard as she could to maintain the balance between honest girlfriend and loyal friend, but she had lost control so fast, and Rachel Berry doesn't like feeling out of control.

_That still didn't give me any right to lash out the way I did_, she thought, and switched the faucet to cold water as she rinsed the soap off her face. _I came up with that stupid lie to protect Cindy. Why did I think if Quinn thought the kiss was my idea she wouldn't be as mad about it? Why did I think no one would get hurt even more? Everything is so fucked up now and it's all my fault._ She couldn't help but think of text messages she had received from Santana. Quinn had gone to her best friend looking for comfort, and in response to seeing her friend in pain she made Cindy pay for it.

On Friday while Rachel was hiding from the world in her bedroom, the head cheerleader sent her a photo of Cindy completely dripping in cheery slush. Rachel had spent the rest of the afternoon trying as hard as she could to get a hold of Cindy to make sure she was ok. She refused to answer Rachel's texts, though, and the little diva had panicked, thinking the worst. When she saw that Cindy was still updating her Facebook status, she breathed a huge sigh of relief. Sure, Cindy had said some really mean things that were vague to everyone else, but Rachel was pretty sure she was the one Cindy was talking about when she wrote, "never felt so betrayed, guess that's what you get for opening up to people".

She spent a few minutes reapplying her makeup, but her skin was so sore and sensitive from crying for so long that it hurt. She didn't put on much, only enough so her skin wouldn't get a weird shine in the bright lights of her bedroom. When that was done she stood in front of her dresser, and picked up the little remote to the camera. The music was still playing, all she had to do was wait for it to come back around, and hit record. She had the lyrics down, and even though she hadn't really practiced much and it would probably sound terrible, that's not what this was about. She needed the catharsis, needed this feeling out of her body, even if it meant sounding like a twenty year smoker.

"We thought we had it all," she sang, and forced her expression to remain the same. She wanted to cringe at the way it sounded, but she had to keep going. "We thought we'd go unscathed. We thought our love would border on infinity." She tried as hard as she could to stay focused on the song, but it was useless. As those words poured out of her mouth, her mind wondered to images of Quinn. The one that stuck out the most was the way Quinn looked on their first date. She knew how interested her girl was in poetry and literature, and she had found a small cafe not far from Lima that did weekly poetry readings. _No, not my girl anymore_, she thought, with tears swelling in her eyes.

"We thought that we were free, the world would disappear. We left ourselves wide open and we had no fear," she sang, and her mind instantly brought up the memory of Quinn lying on her bed, her hair tousled from their heated kissing. Rachel had lost control of her hands, and they loved to run through those silky blonde locks, even though Quinn sometimes complained of the tangles it caused. This day, however, she didn't seem to mind. She looked up at her, her face an open book as they caught their breath, and Rachel could see all of the love and affection she had always wanted, but never thought she'd have.

"But forever came and went, forever stumbled through." She nearly choked on this part as that afternoon in the empty classroom flooded her mind's eye. She had felt so panicked, she was out of her mind with fear. Quinn was slipping through her grasp, and no matter how hard she tried to make it right and protect Cindy, it was failing. Quinn accused her of cheating, basically accusing her of not loving her at all, and Rachel snapped. She wasn't completely lying when she said she was afraid of Quinn cheating on her. Quinn was pretty, and popular, and now that she was out what was stopping her from being with someone better?

"Forever had poor sense of time, and made a mess of me and you," she sang, and had to shut her eyes. It hurt too much. Thinking of what she said, how she threw Beth back in Quinn's face, it felt like a burning sensation in her chest. _I know what Beth means to her, she opened up and told me everything. I panicked, I'm nothing but a coward. I knew it would hurt her, so I said it. I said it because she was right. She was going to give herself to me, and I cheated on her. Why couldn't I just tell her the truth? She wouldn't have done anything to Cindy if I just told her what really happened!_

"Forever had us fooled. We fell for it again, and now time is standing still forever." Rachel's heart broke all over again when she thought about that Friday afternoon she signed into Facebook to make sure Cindy was alright. The status updates on her news feed had made her blood run cold when she saw that Quinn had changed her relationship status from in a relationship to single. Rachel wasn't stupid, she knew what Quinn had meant by "we're done", but seeing it right there in front of her had felt like a knife to the heart.

She wished she could take it all back, but that was pointless. Even if she did explain everything to Quinn, she was sure that the blonde would still hate her. Maybe not, though. Maybe if she talked to her, told her what really happened between her and Cindy that afternoon then Quinn would understand. _Yeah, and how am I supposed to explain to her why I threw her pregnancy back in her face? 'I'm so sorry for saying those mean things, Quinn. When you told me you were ready to give yourself to me, my brain shut down and I felt like the world's biggest scumbag so I used your past to try and make you feel as bad as I was feeling; you understand right?' She'll probably slushy me from now until the end of the world if I told her that._ _God Quinn, I'm so sorry._

She hit the stop button on the remote, and her legs gave out as she fell to the floor. She couldn't handle it anymore, her body was too tired, too dehydrated, too overwhelmed up to stand. She wasn't going to find her catharsis in a song. She had known that in the back of her mind, but refused to believe it. She wasn't going to find a way out of this feeling because she had no one to blame on it but herself. There was no cure for that, no magical three minute solution, and as her tears cascaded down her face, smearing her makeup, and her whole body shook with sobs, she finally accepted the feeling of shame as hers to carry.

* * *

**Keep in mind, I never said they were going to get a happy ending in this chapter. I will be writing more in this series, though they may be apart for two or three more stories. If you will bare with me, I promise that happy Faberry will be back eventually. **

**I'd like to thank all of those who favorited, added this to alerts, and reviewed. I wouldn't have bothered finishing this if I didn't know there were people out there still looking forward to updates.**


	6. Chapter 6

Just wanted to let everyone who added this to their story alerts know that the next story in this series has been uploaded. It's called Roadside. I got the title from a very beautiful song (in my opinion, at least) by Rise Against.


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